Hello! This week the longhorn cow in the pasture behind our house had a baby and seeing it when its legs were still all knobby and wobbly was a highlight of my week! In other animal news, our pigeon Benny got out of the coop and spent the night who knows where. David and I were so happy the next morning when she came flying back into the yard and landed on the roof. It took a while, but she eventually found her way back into the coop through one of the doors we left open for her. At the wildlife rescue where I volunteer, baby owl season is coming to a close, and baby hawk season is starting. We had two baby red-tailed hawks come in this week (check out the Pic of the Week).

Next week, we will be starting our Summer Book Club Series and reading Be Here Now by Ram Dass. Considered by many to be the counter-culture bible of the 1970s hippie/spiritual seeker movement, it is a collection of teachings given by Ram Dass after his return from India. Both the font and text layout and the accompanying illustrations contribute to the engagement of the thought-provoking ideas. This book is very different than the others we have read, but I’m quite excited to see what sorts of things it brings up for discussion. If you’d like to read along, here’s our discussion schedule, and the week after the discussion is when we will share insights in the newsletter:

June 18 Section 1 and pp 1-29 of Section 2

July 2 Section 2 pp 30-63

July 17 Section 2 pp 64-108 

July 30 Section 3: Cookbook for A Sacred Life. Read the parts that look most interesting to you. 

Alrighty, let’s get in it! This week David shares some thoughts on his journey to feeling calm and gentle with his body. Really good stuff. Thanks for joining us.

-Mindy

A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE AFTER LOSING 60 LBS

Six years ago I thought I was around 255 lbs, but when I stepped on a scale it read 264. I felt defeated because I had no idea what I was going to do to fix it. Neck-deep in a startup, my routines were unhealthy and designed to make this body as strong of a protection from the outside world as possible. 

I would go to the gym nearly every day and lift very heavy weights. I learned powerlifting as a teenager and it was a regular refuge for me. I used to say that I never felt calmer than when I was underneath 500+ lbs trying not to injure myself. It was a distraction. Once my survival sense took over, I couldn’t think about the happenings of the day or any of the things I was worried about. All of that was pushed out of the way for the hour or so while I was at the gym. 

Things hadn’t  improved when I sold my company two years later. Stepping on the scale for the first time in probably a year, it read 278. My blood pressure was 210//160 and my resting heart rate was 118 bpm. I was on the same path of self-denial and masochism that pushed my closest uncle and my grandfather into early graves at 56 and 58, respectively. 

Something needed to change, and it was more than simply weight loss. I needed to deal with the underlying issues that had turned fitness into self-harm.

The last couple of weeks have significantly shifted my relationship with Mindy. We’ve been working on quite a bit of challenging stuff in our relationship over the past 3-ish years, and, as you might expect, that has unearthed a lot of personal wounds that each of us needed to address if we were to bring our higher selves into our partnership.

This shift feels so good. In our relationship, I’m the partner with the obviously shittier childhood. Honestly, that can have a silver lining. It’s easier to wake up to one’s own dysfunctions. The other partner gets stuck a bit in the common pitfall of comparison, But there’s really no comparing two lives. Mindy and I both had very poor templating and modeling from our parents. This resulted in a lot of coping mechanisms that were both very unhealthy and ridiculously (almost comically) matched to the other. 

I was the first to be done with their own bullshit and the shitty relationship we had. But I only had the lackluster tools that had  created my half of our shitty relationship. So, I was neither skilled, wise, nor graceful in my approach. Our relationship didn’t start out terrible, but as we added stressors to our lives ( getting married young, having children young, having a bunch of children, being an entrepreneur, being a homeschooler, etc.) we found ourselves spinning a lot of plates. Turns out there’s nothing like taking on “too much” to break you down and surface your most challenging self. The only thing you can do to descend more quickly into your dysfunction is to be in a long-term relationship. 

In the wake of this shift, I have space to feel compassion for those in my past. I’ve thought about and wept tears of regret for how that man showed up in the lives of those closest to him. Mindy and our two oldest children bore the brunt of my dysfunction, but those who’ve known me for decades have shared how challenging it could be to know me. My quick mind and quick tongue so often found the weakness in others–a cynical coping mechanism that was really just misery loves company.

It’s a sad truism that those who speak unkindly so often spare nobody their wrath, and that includes themselves. If you found my “quick wit” grating or cruel, be thankful you weren’t subjected to its gaze every waking moment and in many dreams. 

I’ve had to change both how I talk to myself and how I perceive the world around me. Some of that has taken very practical skills like communication practices. Some of that stuff had taken on a distinctly wackier tone; like how on New Year's of 2023 I was sitting with some close friends in an Ayahuasca experience, and it was incredibly challenging. I was panicking and frankly on the cusp of psychosis–it was rough, and the space being held was very loose. I didn’t love that experience, but something happened that I can’t deny has been a profound reframing.

I was walking again to the door to get outside. I’d agreed to stay on the property, but that was proving very challenging. I was afraid. I stumbled a bit, and as I caught my balance, I was shocked when I could see myself from behind. I could see the back of me. Then I heard my own voice say: “Gentle, this one startles easily.”

Another part of me was offended at that accusation. So, as the observer, I reached into myself with my hand like a puppeteer, and immediately I envisioned a motion I had made with my hands since I was quite young. I suspect I used to stim like some of my siblings did and some of my children have; shaking my hands to shed excess energy. It looks odd, and I was chastised for doing this once by getting my hand slapped. Little me figured out that if I made a kind of pushing motion with my hands I could get away with it. But I did this subconsciously. Subconsciously until that night, when thousands upon thousands of scenes of my hands making this motion flooded my thoughts. 

I soothed myself with tender words: “It’s ok, this is what we knew to do.” Then I had a thought. What if from this vantage point I could “tune” my nervous system? I imagined my hand playing lightly on my nervous system, turning it with what I was certain was a Fourier Transform, using it to de-noise the input from my nervous system. I felt so serenely calm as the “fuzz” completely disappeared. 

When I shared this a couple days later with Mindy she said, choked up: “I had no idea you didn’t know that you did that. I figured it helped you to feel better.”

Then and now I have seen how much Mindy loves all of me. I’m so grateful that she does. Her love and the love of those closest to me has made space for me to work through the hardest stuff inside of me.

Today I weigh just under 220 lbs. I think another 10 lbs could be helpful, but I’m not going to go crazy trying to get there. I’ve taken a gentle path to a much healthier body and it feels really good.

That gentleness goes inward and it shines outward. It’s been one of the primary reasons Mindy has had space to shift her own self-concept and perception of the world around her.

I think we’re on a really beautiful path.

-David/Gonzo

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• I went to hear ACRAZE this week and was blown away! He had such a great set! 🎶🔥✨

• Did you know that NASA engineers had a playlist they played for the Mars Rover Opportunity to wake her up after she stopped responding? 🥺 ✨

• One more cool new to me song. Favelas by Degiheugi 🎶✨

SOMETHING TO TRY

I’ve mentioned before how much I’ve enjoyed doing Yoga Nidra meditations on the Insight Timer app for naps or to help fall asleep at night. In one of them, as the meditation guide is giving instructions on getting comfortable and settled, she says “See if you can get just a little more comfortable, a little more relaxed.” I’ll be laying down, feeling like I’m pretty darn comfortable, but her reminder always prompts me to scan my body and see where I’m a little tight or a little tense, and sure enough, there’s always a spot that could use a little more releasing. I’ve started doing it when I’m just sitting around doing whatever as well. David calls me a “percher” because I prefer not to have my feet on the ground when I’m seated, and along with this habit comes a lot of semi-contorted seating positions, and I often won’t really even be that aware that I’m tense or twisted in some odd way. Seeing if I can sit a little more comfortably has been a good practice to help me check in with my body. I’m also fascinated by the feedback loop of how relaxing our body leads to more relaxed thoughts. It often feels like our brains read the signals from our tense bodies and assume we’ve got shit to be concerned about. But when our bodies are relaxed, the brain can slow down. So, can you get just a little more comfortable?

-Mindy

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.