Hello friends! This week David dives deep into a framework of understanding he’s been exploring around connection and the different energies and motivations that influence our desire and ability to connect. We hope it gives you some good stuff to think on this week. And wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving this week! Thanks for spending a bit of time with us—we sure are thankful for you!

-Mindy

Exploring the Matrix of Human Desire

I wrote this as a first-principles treatment of the ideas in Ravishment & Connection.

At first glance, the word conquest may conjure images of overt, traditionally masculine pursuits—dominance, sexual exploits, or the relentless drive to overcome obstacles. But as I use it here, conquest is a far richer and more universal concept. It transcends these obvious forms and encompasses subtler, socially acceptable modes of striving, achievement, and acquisition that are no less rooted in the desire to attain or control.

Consider the co-eds I encountered at BYU, a university deeply embedded in the cultural framework of the LDS Church. For many of them, “conquest” was not about power or lust in the conventional sense but about achieving an idealized narrative: a temple marriage, a spouse who could provide financial security, a suburban home, and three or more children. Their pursuit wasn’t necessarily driven by a yearning for a deep connection with another human being but rather by a quest to fulfill societal expectations and secure validation through visible markers of success. In this context, the ultimate "win" was often less about intimacy and more about signaling that they had "made it" and, as such, were worthy of esteem—that their efforts to attract a partner had paid off in achieving a culturally prescribed ideal.

A similar pattern played out among the young men I served alongside as a missionary in Costa Rica. Ostensibly called to serve others selflessly, these 19-to-21-year-olds often reduced their spiritual and social successes—baptisms, conversions of men or whole families—to a tally of "deeds" they believed would directly correlate with how “hot” their future wife would be. Even in a context that was officially sexless and prudish, the underlying drive for conquest found expression in transactional terms. It wasn’t about fostering sincere, meaningful connections with the people they were serving, but about turning those acts into points on a scoreboard for a future reward.

Giving an all-new and unsavory flavor to the question that would come up during my time as a missionary: “What’s your body count?”

This dynamic highlights how conquest often overshadows genuine connection in its many forms, even in cultures that outwardly champion purity, selflessness, or humility. Whether it’s chasing the suburban dream or tallying spiritual achievements as markers of worth, the drive to attain, acquire, or achieve—no matter how subtle or cloaked—frequently overrides the more profound, more vulnerable work of cultivating authentic relationships. In these contexts, Conquest isn’t inherently malicious; instead, it reflects a pervasive human tendency to seek external validation in ways that can obscure or even undermine the risks and rewards of sincere connection.

Yet, when conquest and connection are no longer viewed as opposites on a spectrum but as distinct energies capable of coexisting, they open new pathways for understanding relationships. By examining their interplay—how they operate in isolation and what emerges when they are brought together—we gain a richer framework for navigating the complexities of human desire and interaction. This exploration, rooted in curiosity and intentionality, offers a lens through which we can better understand ourselves, our motivations, and the possibilities of our connections.

The Complex Interplay of Conquest and Connection

Initially, I imagined conquest and connection as two ends of a spectrum—a straightforward progression from transactional pursuit to soulful intimacy. However, the reality is far more complex. Conquest and connection are not opposites but interwoven energies, coexisting in a dynamic, often uneasy tension. They can amplify one another, clash in moments of misunderstanding, or blend into something greater than either could achieve alone. To dismiss conquest as inherently selfish or shallow is as reductive as treating connection as the ultimate good. Both impulses shape how we engage with others and reveal truths about our motivations.

In adult relationships, sex and attraction often bring these energies into sharper relief. Even when the attraction is one-sided, it can alter how we navigate connection and conquest. When mutual, it creates a potent alchemy that challenges simplistic binaries, particularly those pervasive in American culture. Too often we reduce human desire to an either/or proposition: purity and prudishness on one side, sluttiness and excess on the other. This binary framework infantilizes the rich complexity of adult intimacy and attraction, leaving little room for curiosity, exploration, or genuine fulfillment.

These cultural scripts flatten our experience of intimacy, ignoring the nuance and depth required to cultivate something richer. Moving beyond them requires rejecting the oversimplified narratives that tell us we must either repress desire or indulge it without question. Instead, we can reframe conquest and connection as interwoven aspects of a dynamic dance—one that, when approached with intention and awareness, can lead to deeper understanding and a more fulfilling way of relating to ourselves and others.

Conquest Beyond the Physical and Romantic

Conquest, in this broader sense, extends well beyond physical or romantic realms. It appears in myriad forms: the drive to “win” an argument, to curate an image of perfection on social media, to seek validation through accomplishments, or to maintain emotional safety by controlling how others perceive us. These impulses are not inherently harmful; on the contrary, they are deeply human. Conquest fuels ambition, innovation, and personal growth. But when left unexamined, it risks becoming a mask that obscures our true desires and keeps us from the vulnerability required for genuine connection.

At the same time, connection can lead to a passive intimacy that lacks the passion and tension necessary for growth when simplified to comfort or harmony. Without the interplay of conquest, connection risks becoming static—a safe harbor but not a transformative force. It is in the friction between these two energies that something more profound can emerge.

The Role of the Erotic

At the heart of this interplay lies the erotic—a vital, animating force that transcends sexuality. The erotic is the aliveness we feel in the tension between seeking and surrendering, the creative spark that propels both our drive to conquer and our longing to connect. It invites us to fully inhabit our desires, not as something to be suppressed or indulged uncritically, but as a lens through which we deepen our understanding of ourselves and others. By honoring the erotic, we step into human relationships' messy, vibrant complexity with curiosity, courage, and intentionality, free from reductive binaries or prescriptive scripts.

Toward a New Understanding

In redefining conquest, my goal is not to pit it against connection or judge one as “better” than the other. Instead, I aim to create space for a more nuanced exploration of human desire and motivation. When we can name and understand the dynamic interplay of conquest, connection, and the erotic, we open the door to greater awareness and intentionality in our relationships. This is not about resolving the tension between these forces but about embracing it—learning to dance with it in ways that bring us closer to authenticity, fulfillment, and growth.

The Dance Between Connection and Conquest

Attraction pulls us in many directions—sometimes a soft invitation, other times an urgent, magnetic force. It is rarely simple or neat. At its best, it draws us toward intimacy and warmth, dissolving barriers and inviting us into shared vulnerability. Yet, more often, it stirs something messier—a yearning to connect, claim, and conquer. This tension between connection and conquest lies at the heart of our most intimate experiences, revealing our hunger for closeness and our desire to assert ourselves in the world.

We rarely confront this tension directly, perhaps because it forces us to acknowledge uncomfortable truths: our fears of rejection, our cravings for power or validation, and our struggle to balance these opposing drives. In a culture that celebrates conquest in subtle yet pervasive ways—locker room braggadocio or quietly strategic "match collecting" on dating apps—understanding and navigating these forces becomes even more urgent. Conquest and connection are not simply opposites but deeply intertwined, feeding off one another in ways that can lead to either diminishment or profound growth.

When we lean too far toward conquest, relationships become transactional, reducing people to objects of achievement or possession. When we lean too far toward connection, we risk idealizing others, stifling the untamed, vital energy that fuels desire. The challenge, then, is not to resolve this tension but to embrace it, allowing the interplay of connection and conquest to elevate us rather than diminish us.

This interplay creates a dynamic tension that is not a problem to be solved but a dance to be explored. From the push and pull of these forces emerges the potential for something greater—a synthesis where the boundaries of connection and conquest blur, opening the door to deeper intimacy and more profound engagement.

Toward Ravishment

This convergence of connection and conquest is what I call Ravishment. It transcends their seeming contradictions to create a richer, more complete experience. Ravishment is the moment when passion and intimacy fuse, where tenderness meets intensity, and desire is held in equal measure with devotion. Imagine the electric charge of being fully present with someone—eye contact that carries both vulnerability and power or touch that embodies both longing and reverence. These moments are not just about balance; they are about transcendence.

Ravishment is the ecstatic expression of our yearning for both union and individuality, for intimacy that neither diminishes nor consumes us. It transforms the tension between connection and conquest into an electrifying force, not to be tamed or resolved but to be embraced as a fundamental part of what it means to be alive, fully human, and fully engaged.

To understand how Ravishment emerges from the interplay of connection and conquest, it helps to explore their dynamics across different contexts. By examining the quadrants where these forces vary in intensity, we can see how their absence or imbalance shapes our relationships—and how their convergence unlocks something transformative.

Indifference: Low Connection, Low Conquest

In the lower left quadrant of our matrix lies Apathy—the space where both connection and conquest are absent. This is the realm of disinterest, detachment, and disengagement. It’s a cold, disconnected space often characterized by surface-level interactions that lack emotional depth or the energy of pursuit.

In many ways, this quadrant represents what Audre Lorde would describe as the absence of erotic power—the absence of aliveness. Apathy emerges when we are unwilling to engage vulnerably with others due to fear, emotional exhaustion, or simple indifference. It can often be a self-protective space, a way to avoid the risks of intimacy. Still, it is also a profoundly unfulfilling one, where the richness of human interaction is diminished. For example, a person who consistently avoids meaningful conversation with friends or family may find themselves stuck in this quadrant, feeling disconnected and alone.

In terms of game theory, this quadrant might be likened to a non-engagement state where the players opt not to participate. No game is being played because neither side invests energy into pursuit or connection. The problem is that we forfeit the chance for anything meaningful to emerge by refusing to play. Consider a social gathering where two people could connect but remain distant, avoiding eye contact or conversation. In this scenario, both individuals miss the opportunity for any form of connection, resulting in a static, uninspired interaction.

Apathy is not inherently malicious—it can often be rooted in self-protection, stemming from past hurts or fear of vulnerability. However, recognizing when we are in this state and understanding its limitations can help us make conscious efforts to step out of it. By choosing to engage, even in small ways, we open ourselves up to the possibility of richer, more meaningful connections.

Pursuit: Low Connection, High Conquest

The lower-right quadrant is the domain of Pursuit without depth. Here, conquest drives action, but the connection is absent or shallow. This is the realm of fleeting victories—short-term relationships, superficial attractions, and transactional exchanges. The thrill of the chase offers momentary excitement, but without emotional investment, the reward is hollow. Once the "prize" is won, the engagement often dissipates as quickly as it began.

David Deida’s exploration of relational dynamics highlights this imbalance. When conquest—the masculine energy of pursuit—overwhelms connection, it results in a hollow pursuit, lacking the grounding presence of feminine receptivity. This leaves individuals chasing external validation while bypassing the more profound satisfaction of meaningful connection.

In game theory, this quadrant mirrors the zero-sum game, where one party's gain comes at the other's loss. The focus on short-term wins undermines the potential for lasting engagement or mutual benefit. While the initial pursuit might feel exhilarating, the absence of connection renders the outcome unsatisfying for both, leaving them to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Companionship: High Connection, Low Conquest

The upper-left quadrant represents Companionship, a space defined by deep connection without the drive for conquest (or the challenges it brings). Here, relationships are grounded in trust, vulnerability, and mutual care—whether in friendships, stable partnerships, or harmonious collaborations. Conquest may become irrelevant because the connection itself provides fulfillment, creating a sense of safety and ease.

Brené Brown’s insights on vulnerability resonate deeply in this quadrant. Companionship is built on emotional openness and presence, wholeheartedness, where neither partner seeks to dominate or control. This creates a space of mutual support and understanding, fostering stability and intimacy. However, the absence of tension or pursuit can sometimes make this quadrant feel static. While comforting, it may lack the spark or dynamism that comes from the interplay of conquest and connection.

From a game theory perspective, Companionship reflects a non-zero-sum: both parties benefit, and the relationship is mutually enriching. Suppose both individuals can approach this without needing more from the relationship. In that case, the risk is limited, and Companionship takes on qualities of a positive-sum game, where total risk does not exceed possible reward. Yet, this equilibrium may need more energy of challenge or desire to fuel more transformative experiences. While Companionship offers safety and deep fulfillment, it doesn’t carry the intensity or interplay required for Ravishment.

Ravishment: High Connection, High Conquest

The upper-right quadrant of the matrix is Ravishment, the space where high connection meets high conquest. This is where the magic happens—the alchemy of being deeply connected while alive with the energy of pursuit. It is not a static state but a dynamic, ever-evolving interplay of giving and receiving, leading and following, conquering and surrendering.

David Deida’s concept of polarity captures this quadrant’s essence: the interplay of masculine and feminine energies, which transcend gender and speak to the fundamental forces of relationship. Ravishment occurs when both partners are fully present—vulnerable yet strong, deeply intimate AND charged with passionate desire. This is not about dominance or submission as ends in themselves but about the fluid dance of connection and pursuit, creating an exhilarating and transformative experience.

In game theory, Ravishment represents the pinnacle of a positive-sum game. Here, the tension between pursuit and connection fuels profound engagement, where both partners are seen, desired, and fulfilled. It is a state where individual drives align to create a shared ecstasy, transcending simple conquest or connection. Ravishment is the meeting of souls in their fullest expression—a space where vulnerability, desire, and mutual recognition converge to create something extraordinary.

Navigating Between the Quadrants

Each quadrant in the matrix offers a lens through which we experience human engagement. We move fluidly between these spaces in our relationships, often without conscious awareness. The key to navigating this matrix is understanding that no quadrant is inherently "good" or "bad." Each serves a purpose, depending on the moment and the needs of those involved. Yet, to experience Ravishment, we must master the art of balancing connection and conquest.

Audre Lorde’s reflections on the erotic illuminate this dynamic tension. The erotic is not merely about desire or conquest—it is the full expression of life force. This profound vitality comes from being fully alive and present in our relationships. Accessing the upper-right quadrant, the space of Ravishment requires embracing this tension. It invites us to dance between connection and pursuit, vulnerability and desire, creating a dynamic energy that fuels deeper intimacy and fulfillment.

This brings us to the culmination of the framework—the bridge between conceptual understanding and the lived experience of Ravishment. To move toward this state, we must embody these principles, cultivating awareness, playfulness, and a willingness to fully engage with the connection we feel and the energy of pursuit and conquest.

—david/gonzo

P.S. This essay has been a joy to work on. Mindy's feedback made it much better, challenging me to make the ideas more straightforward and relatable. If these ideas resonate with you or challenge your perceptions in ways you find helpful, and you’re open to a coffee chat live or by phone, I would love the chance to explore them further.

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• Against Narrative is a beautiful self-exploration that applies Susan Sontag’s plea to approach art as an embodied, even sensual, experience rather than an intellectual one modeled by modern art appreciation. I have been writing and thinking on the ideas in this week’s post for several months, so i was tickled when our oldest daughter, Zion, shared this essay with us. It has given me a helpful lens with which to sharpen my ideas. ⚡️

• The Way of the Superior Man was recommended by a dear friend (thanks, Jackie!) a couple of years ago, and I read it at just the right time when “non-reactivity” was what I most needed to find in my most important relationship. ⚡️

SOMETHING TO TRY

Try noticing where connection and conquest show up in your interactions this week. Ask yourself: Am I seeking closeness, striving for achievement or control, or navigating both? Reflect on how balancing these energies could deepen your relationships and bring greater awareness to your desires.

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.