Happy Sunday!

It’s 4:57 am and we’re rolling in from an incredible night spent dancing with friends! Read on, trust me, it’s good stuff

—gonzo

I was talking with David the other night and shared with him how, in some key ways, I feel like a new person. Over the past few years, but especially over the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve been on an expedition into the inner realms of my psyche and my personality. I’ve been able to really notice my thought patterns and emotional responses, and I’ve been able to meet them with curiosity enough of the time to gain understanding about what makes me tick, what I value, and what triggers me. I’ve identified some beliefs that were pretty deeply entrenched  parts of my operating system that I no longer believe, so I’ve been able to let those go. I feel more solidly myself than I ever have before. It feels pretty okay to be me. I feel a lot of self-acceptance. 

It’s funny to try and put into words some of the key realizations I’ve had. These sorts of things so often end up feeling like, “Duh, obviously,” sorts of things. But if you’ve experienced your own similar epiphanies, I trust you also know that it’s one thing to intellectually know something, but it’s another thing entirely (and infinitely more powerful) to FEEL it, for it to cause a shift in you and unlock a new capacity to see something about yourself. 

As I started writing this, I found quite a few ideas that I’d like to explore. But as life would have it, we’re currently up to our eyeballs in stuff that’s getting in the way of me sitting down and getting more written. So this week, I’ll share one of the lessons and a couple of poems. 

Thanks for reading. 

Lesson 1: You don’t always have to show up sparkly and fun aka Be Real.

I served as an assistant at a retreat during the summer of 2023. We were serving some plant medicines the first night that were generally pretty quick acting and not too intense. As I was there to serve and support, I hadn’t really planned to take part in the medicine. But things were wrapping up for the night and there was still some time available, so I opted to try it after checking in with the facilitators.  I ended up being one of the rare people who have an extremely adverse reaction to it. It made me incredibly dizzy and nauseated. I started throwing up, and over the next few hours any movement at all caused me to vomit again. It was physically miserable, one of the most miserable times in my life, honestly. But on top of that I felt deep embarrassment over needing attention and care, especially when I was there to help. The next morning, I carried that embarrassment with me, vowing to make it up by going above and beyond that day in being helpful and useful. 

As the day went on, though, it was interesting to hear from attendees the impact my experience had on them. One woman, who also felt sick from the medicine, expressed that it was really reassuring to not be the only one who got sick, and that it was nice that it was one of the support staff because that helped her not feel weak. She thought, “Oh, if this person with more experience than me also felt sick, I guess it’s okay that I did, too.” Another woman shared how much it meant to her to see the other facilitators care for me and attend to me. She said that she was so often in the role of caregiver, but had such a hard time accepting help or asking for it, but seeing how generous and willing the women were in caring for me helped her see that needing help needn’t be an imposition on others, and in fact others would likely love to be able to help. 

Reflecting on this experience really helped me identify how deep my desire (need?) was to control others’ perception of me. It made it hard to show up spontaneously and authentically because I had a limited range of “Acceptable Mindy.” Which also meant that I wanted to stay nicely in my comfort zone, where I knew what sorts of situations were likely to arise. The more I pulled on this thread, the more entangled I realized it was with so many parts of myself. Feeling scared to try things because I didn’t want to do them badly because then others would think XYZ about me. Feeling a sense of separation from both others and reality when I was in unfamiliar situations where I didn’t know my role; I felt like everything had to run through too many mental processes while I figured out how to show up. Which was exhausting and made me feel awkward and uncomfortable in a lot of situations. 

The ideas in the book The Courage to be Disliked were tremendously helpful for me. I have read it twice now, and different ideas stuck out to me each time. One of the most powerful ideas was that we really can not control how others think of us; other people not liking us is their problem to deal with. Honestly, this has become something I tell myself often. I came to see truly how paralyzing it was to try and act in a way to be acceptable to everyone, and that it really isn’t even possible. Starting this newsletter project, and my thoughts-sharing blog before that, has been such an exercise in letting go of what people will think of me. And reminding myself that most people are too damn busy with their own lives to invest much energy into having opinions about me. It’s incredible to me how much power I gave the people in my imagination. Lately as I’ve started writing poetry and sharing some of that, those imaginary people and their opinions have shown up again. I remind myself that I’m not for everyone, and it’s okay if people have whatever response they do to what I share. Nobody is forcing them to pay attention to me. I’ve summarized this lesson thusly to several of my friends: Other people’s opinions about you are not your problem. Most of the time, they won’t even express them. And if they do, it’s good information to help you see that they aren’t the kind of people you want to spend time with anyway. (I realize upon rereading that this assumes their opinions are negative. Ha!)

 Truly there is only one person you can have a chance of pleasing with your actions consistently, and that person is yourself. As I’ve practiced letting go of worrying about how others think of me, I’ve found an ease in social interactions that I had not thought possible for me. I know that not everyone will like me, and that’s honestly okay. But it feels so different to feel like I’m showing up as myself, and to trust that the friends I do make are people who like the real me, work in progress such as it is. 

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• This series of Ways to Open Your Heart by Colorado Poet Laureate Andrea Gibson is inspiring and beautiful.

• My friend introduced me to this neat app called Seek by iNaturalist. You can take pictures of plants out in nature and it does a pretty good job of identifying them. I pulled it out for half a dozen plants on one of my walks this week and quite enjoyed learning more about the weeds aka native plants around me. (Sorry Android users, hopefully there’s one for you, too!) 🌱

SOMETHING TO TRY

I’ve recently realized that I enjoy eating apples a lot more if I cut them into quite thin slices, thinner than the apple slicer will do. I cut off the sides with knife, then cut off the remaining smaller sides around the core, then cut all of those pieces into nice thin slices, about ¼ inch I’d guess. Sliced like this, apples feel like an easy thing to eat. Not messy, not hard to bite or chew, and the perfect apple to cheese ratio if I decide to add some cheese to my snack. I share this not because I think anyone really cares about how I eat apples, but rather how even after a long time of doing some basic thing one way, you can discover a new way to do it that feels like a game changer. It probably applies to more than just apples. 🍎 

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.