Happy Sunday!

Welcome back to our ongoing conversation about the tricky terrains of communication in close relationships. Last month, Mindy shared some raw insights into her struggles with effective communication—a journey filled with challenges and little victories. This week, she’s taking you further down this winding path, reflecting on a series of encounters that tested, taught, and ultimately transformed how we connect.

Despite the ongoing break from consuming new self-help content, the past month has been an intensive class taught by life itself. I’m watching her wrestle with thoughts, turning them over like stones in a stream—smooth from the constant flow but still distinct and jagged in places. Sometimes, these thoughts clear into actionable insights; others must settle back into the undercurrent, waiting for another day.

A good life is found in the current, and we go gently down the stream.

—david/gonzo

Doing Stuff You Suck At: Round II

This post is kind of a Part 2 of this post from a month ago.  In case you were wondering, one month later, I still suck at communicating but MAYBE I suck a little less.

This past month for me has been really interesting. As we have mentioned probably every week, I’m on a break from reading spiritual, self-helpy kind of books or listening to similarly veined podcasts, which means I’m spending a lot of time with MY OWN THOUGHTS AND ISSUES with stuff. Incidentally, I was at a one day retreat last weekend and talking with a therapist friend of mine, and when she asked what I’ve been reading lately (because she knows me) and I started telling her about my hiatus, she was nodding knowingly and smiling an obnoxiously wise smile. Turns out this is a thing that therapists recommend for clients like me who are maybe a bit obsessive when it comes to taking in new ideas… That was simultaneously validating and annoying. 

I’ve had a lot of experiences this past month of chewing on an idea, looking at it from one angle, then turning it around to look at it from another, and then later picking it up again to chew and look some more. Sometimes I end up with some clarity sooner or later, and some things just get put back on the shelf to be dealt with later. 

This week I had some particularly tough things I was feeling my way through, and it was honestly kind of draining. I felt kind of stuck and ready for some sort of breakthrough. So on my drive down to volunteer at the wildlife rescue Thursday afternoon, I decided to try talking through some of the thoughts to see if that offered any clarity. I certainly wasn’t making much progress by staying in my own head. So I opened up Marco Polo and sent David a rambling 10 minute message, sharing the various threads that had been circling around in my mind all week. I felt pretty happy about this, feeling like it was good that I’d reached out and shared. He’s been working A TON lately (which is why you’ve been hearing only from me the past few weeks) and its been tough to feel very connected since he hasn’t had a lot of time, and when he does have a bit of downtime, he’s been fairly preoccupied with work stuff. In my mind, sending him a Marco about what was on my mind was going to be connecting. Also, I was proud of myself for overcoming my natural tendency to just fly solo on this sort of thing.

Well, it didn’t go like I’d hoped. The thoughts I shared were adjacent to some things we’ve been working through in our relationship, and some aspects were a bit triggering for him, and other parts just brought up feelings that he then felt to share with me. He responded later that evening with a Marco of his own and oof the tone of that kind of clued me in that my desire to connect by sharing what had been going on with me was not panning out. 

Thursday evening, after all the running kids around to various activities, we finally spent some time together, cuddling and chatting a bit in one of the hammocks in the backyard. Eventually we came in to head to bed, and a song that played after a song I’d put on brought up some rough emotions for David, magnifying what he’d been feeling earlier in the day in response to my message. 

Friday morning, we agreed to talk some more about what came up and set a time for that afternoon. That talk got a bit heated emotionally, though not out of hand. Mostly it was clear how much emotion there was around a lot of the different aspects of the situation, and how inadequate we both felt about navigating it well. We ended up having to wrap it up as we’d told the twins we’d go out that evening with them. 

As our evening out was wrapping up, we were driving home and I reached over to grab David’s hand. He allowed me to hold his hand, but I felt like maybe it wasn’t appreciated. From my perspective, it seemed he was only doing it to keep the peace, as I didn’t notice any engagement or reciprocal squeezes or finger strokes. (Yes, I realized later that maybe I was reading too much into the hand holding, but it is amazing the things we can index off of when we are looking for clues to see where things stand.) We got home and did a few chores, and I ended up outside on the patio. He eventually came out and joined me, but didn’t say anything. I interpreted this to mean something as well, and eventually got up to let our dog Phoebe back inside and I headed to the bedroom to be alone. 

He texted a little while later to see if I wanted to spend time together or if I wanted to be alone. I shared the details about the hand-holding and him not speaking when he joined me outside, and he countered with how he saw those events. We ended up having a pretty long back and forth text exchange that circled back to a lot of the issues I’d brought up in my original Marco Polo message. He brought up some good insights that I was open to considering but that weren’t resonating strongly at the time, and eventually I was tired enough that I told him I was turning in. 

I woke up this morning (Saturday) feeling a lot better about things and feeling grateful for the insights he’d shared because I could see the truth and utility in them. I texted him to say as much, and he responded that he had slept horribly and felt overwrought by all of this. So then I felt awful for having subjected him to all of this stuff in the first place. And disappointed that the useful insights I’d gained weren’t getting appreciated because now the Ugh shoe was on the other partner’s foot. 

David has done enough work with himself to know things to try when he’s stuck in a rough place, so he went for a long run this morning and then reached out to a friend for a coffee meetup. Gratefully, after returning from the meetup the fog had lifted and he felt like he could engage with me from a more solid and grounded place. He shared that he saw as a major contributing factor to this latest challenging episode the fact that I wasn’t clear on what I needed from him, so I couldn’t ask. What I needed was someone to hold space for me to share stuff that was troubling me. But instead of asking if he was in a position to do that, I just kind of dropped it into his lap. It’s kind of like stopping by a friend’s house with a puppy you hope they can dogsit for you. They may very well be willing and capable of doing it, but just dropping it in their laps is going to cause a lot of extra drama and stress. 

He pointed out that where we are at is challenging because we know a lot of tools for relationships and communication, but we are still pretty unpracticed with them, which means we often forget to use them or use them unskillfully. It gets pretty discouraging, honestly. He also mentioned that he is going to try to remember to view us and our relationship efforts more gently, like he’s come to see our children. With an attitude of “Of course you’re not very good at this, you’re just learning. You’ll keep getting better, don’t worry.” We talked about how it’s hard in relationships, because the nature of them so often feels like the other person’s missteps are being done TO us, maybe even deliberately. And depending on the modeling a person has had in relationships, they may respond in variable ways, but a lot of those responses are more likely to escalate the situation rather than offer a pathway to connection. 

With this latest episode in the rear view mirror, I’m trying to see what we did better than we’ve done before, and where the missteps were. We did better at not letting things get too heated. We ended chats before we got exhausted, and took breaks as needed from engaging. David took the space he needed and took care of himself.  We used a combination of writing (which is helpful for Mindy) and in person talking (preferred by David). We made real efforts to understand the feelings of the other person. We took responsibility for our own part in things. I think the biggest thing to improve is to work to have more clarity on what it is wanted from the other person–avoid just dropping a puppy in their lap and hoping it all goes okay.

—Mindy

SOMETHING TO TRY

Reflective Communication Practice

This week, why not try an exercise that has been enlightening for me? Next time you're dealing with a knotty issue or feeling stuck, open up a voice memo app or find a quiet space to talk it out loud. You might choose to share this with a trusted partner or friend, or keep it just for yourself. The goal here is not to solve anything right away but to externalize the thoughts that are circling in your head. This act of speaking your thoughts can shift your perspective, helping you to see pathways you might have missed while turning those thoughts over internally.

If you do choose to share these reflections with someone, be clear about what you need from them in that moment. Is it just space to voice your thoughts, or are you seeking guidance and feedback? Setting this intention upfront can prevent misunderstandings and enrich the support you receive.

Navigating the waves of communication in relationships is no small feat. It requires patience, practice, and a whole lot of self-compassion. Remember, every conversation, every misstep, and every moment of understanding is a step towards deeper connection and personal growth. Let's keep learning together.

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DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.