Hello! In case you’re one of our readers who reads this when it posts early Sunday AM, then our apologies for the delay. Summer scheduling seems to be a bit of a struggle around here. Any groove seems to last a week max. But soon we’ll all be bound, for better and worse, to the school schedule so I expect it will be a little easier to get the tasks done on more of a schedule.

It was a week of ups and downs here. I had a couple of really challenging emotional days. Emotions really are like the weather, we can’t really control them but we can be better prepared for what shows up. I think I’m making progress in that area. And David has grown in his capacity to find what’s solid in him, so he doesn’t get swept away when I’m struggling. That’s been a huge improvement in how much damage the “storms” do.

We hope this finds you all well. I wrote this piece a couple weeks back, so any references of “today” are referring to that day in the past. It feels easier to explain that than to rework things. 😉

Thanks for joining us!

-Mindy

“Dude, sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something.” 

I remember reading this quote somewhere years ago. I’d never watched Adventure Time and didn’t know originally that this quote was from a cartoon. But learning that later made me like it all the more.  I liked this quote so much that I made a simple hand drawn poster to hang up where the kids and I could all see it. As a homeschooling mom who’d learned about Growth Mindset (and in the process realized how much the fixed mindset of my childhood had been limiting for me), I wanted to help my kids recognize that there are few things in life in which we have a natural genius or special talent. Usually what you have is an enjoyment enough of the process of learning that you don’t realize the work you’re putting in. Then the practice feels like play. 

As a child who was endlessly curious and enjoyed reading and learning, school was a breeze for me. I was conscientious about getting my assignments done, and got straight As pretty easily. I liked “being smart.” It was a core part of my identity and I had a lot of my self-worth wrapped up in it. In high school I especially liked science, and at one point got a scholarship to attend a two week engineering camp at a college in Idaho. My favorite science at the time (probably due to a fun teacher) was chemistry, so with my limited understanding of all of it, I ended up heading to BYU as a chemical engineering major. When planning out my schedule for that fall, I remember studying the course catalog and seeing that there were two options to fulfill my introductory chemistry credits. CHEM 105, 106, and 107 or CHEM 111 and 112. I thought taking two classes seemed better than taking three, so I enrolled in CHEM 111. And it was HARD. I struggled to understand and  keep up with the material, and felt like I was studying all the time. I was so stressed, but even worse than that, I took my struggle to mean that I had no aptitude for chemistry and better study something else.  So by the end of that semester I had changed my major. 

I remember so well the internal feelings of fear and disorientation I would feel when I would struggle with anything that was academic or intellectual. If I wasn’t good at those kinds of things, that meant I wasn’t smart. And if I wasn’t smart, what did that mean for who I was? It was like the whole house of cards of my ego and personality and self-worth would come tumbling down. 

I think as we get further into adulthood, there’s almost an expectation to be good at the things we do. After all, people go to school or pursue training so they can be good at things, and it feels like the flip side of this is an unspoken expectation that we’ll stop doing the things we’re not good at. Like if you missed the boat at learning an instrument during childhood, you’re just out of luck now that you’re an adult. In a college setting, there’s still a lot of room to try things. Lots of courses to take. I took yoga, volleyball, tennis, karate, bookbinding, and others. Things I’d never tried before. Some of them I improved at, and others, not so much really. But I enjoyed trying them. 

This is all maybe too much buildup to telling you what thing I’m sucking at now, in the hopes of someday being sorta good at it. 

COMMUNICATION

Maybe you have talked to me in person and are thinking, “Mindy, you’re a great communicator!” Or maybe you’ve read this newsletter a couple times so you feel like you can say the same. To that I say thank you, but also offer the qualifier that communication with an intimate, long-term partner about things that really matter is in a league of its own, and I have sucked at it. At this point, I can see the progress I’ve made, and it's significant, but I still suck at it. And I absolutely STRUGGLE to do things that I suck at. Especially over and over again.

Here’s how it goes: David and I will have some issue come up or want to move forward on something that requires collaboration. We sit down to have the conversation. After two decades of rough communication, the neural pathways in my brain of “THIS IS THE WORST/ABORT ABORT” are super well worn, so even if the discussion is going pretty well, my body is on high alert and I’m feeling like it’s getting more challenging to hold on to myself. There’s a good chance that some part of me will get triggered and try to hijack the system, which means there will probably be tears. I may or may not be able to get back to Full Engagement in the discussion, so we may have to table it for another time. Sometimes I’ll feel like David is understandably disappointed with how it went, and I am almost always disappointed because, while I can imagine a me that does it all so much better, I’m just not there yet. The whole process is exhausting and very emotionally draining. Last month we decided to give “20 Minute Arguments” a try (maybe discussion is a better word than argument, but the book we got the idea from called them arguments) to see if those can help me not get as overwhelmed, so maybe I can help my nervous system realize that I’m safe and supported during these times, and that it is important enough that we’re going to stick with it, even if its hard. 

Talking to my therapist today and lamenting just how discouraging it is to feel like I’m just so bad at this important thing, he was great at reminding me that learning a new skill is ALWAYS challenging. It doesn’t matter what the skill is. And also that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my path of growth. (Full disclosure, this is one of those ideas to me that is strangely comforting even though there’s no way of knowing if it has any real merit or not. It certainly doesn’t do any good to feel like I’m behind, so I go with it.) And I really can see that the small steps I’ve made in being a better communicator with David have really paid off, even if I have taken those steps with a lot of tears and discomfort. 

So I decided today to try and change my narrative around how challenging this aspect of communication is. Instead of thinking “I really suck at this, I wish I was better at it,” I’m going to tell myself that I’m brave for working at this when it’s so challenging and celebrate all the little wins. Because I really am proud of myself for doing this hard work. Do I still wish it was easier? Hell yes.  

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• I found David Gerken’s writing a couple years ago when I was super hungry for others talking about the ideas I was finding so juicy. (It’s turned out to not be a problem for me anymore, now the problem is time!) Fun fact is that he used to write for The West Wing (a show I’ve never seen but I know was popular). Loved this piece and felt like it aligned nicely with this week’s topic. ✨

• No fried eggs here. Cool results from a recent psilocybin study published in Science. ✨🍄

• It was 4:00 am, we were chillin’ to tunes on our friend’s rooftop, and this song came on. I was transported back over a decade, when the lyrics of the original had bubbled up in my memory from hearing it in my childhood. I remember trying to google the bits that lingered in my memory, but wasn’t able to find the song. The Röyskopp remake is a new favorite, though, and the moment of time travel was pretty delightful. ✨🎶

SOMETHING TO TRY

This week’s Something to Try is from Becoming the Body: Embodiment Through Somatic Therapy: Exercises and Tools for Trauma, Stress, and Finding Mind-Body Connection by Ken Michaels in the section on physical grounding techniques:

“Splash Cold Water on Your Face

This is my personal favorite thing to do when in need of a change of state. Splashing cold water on your face is a quick solution for calming down. This is due to the mammalian diving reflex in humans and other mammals. This reflex slows down the heart rate, redirects blood to the core to protect vital organs, and activates energy and oxygen-saving mechanisms upon immersion in cold water, preparing the body for extended underwater breath-holding. Cold water must hit the face and enter the nostrils slightly while you hold your breath to activate the reflex. Simply submerging your feet or hands in cold water won’t trigger the response.

Here are the steps to get the most out of this technique:

1. Run some cold water.

2. Take a deep breath. Hold it.

3. Cup the water in your hands and splash it toward your face.

4. Repeat as desired, preferably fifteen to twenty times. (If you can’t hold your breath the whole time, just hold it during the splashes.) Take a deep breath after you are done, dry your face, and enjoy the immediate calming effects of the mammalian diving reflex. ”

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.