Happy Sunday!

Three months ago, Mindy decided to try a “90 Day Striving Sabbatical.” Today she reflects on what how she encountered the joys of presence, the poetry of her lived experience, and a deeper connection to music.

It has been something beautiful to witness Mindy make room for generative creativity. She created a space for poetry by taking a break from the consumption of information and ideas she felt so drawn to.

—david/gonzo

Today (Saturday, October 26th) marks the end of what became known to David and I as my “Striving Sabbatical.” I’m not sure if that’s the most accurate description of what it was, but since we knew what we were talking about, it didn’t matter all that much. Ninety days ago, I was on a Misery Walk because what I wanted to do was curl up in bed all day, but I knew myself well enough to know that was unlikely to help me feel better. So I set out on a walk along the river trail. 

From my journal the next day: “I actually woke up feeling pretty good, which was nice. David & I ended up talking mid-morning, which went mostly okay, too. But at the end of that I had an overwhelming “emotional episode” (who knows what to call this shit sometimes). If emotions are like clouds, this was a fucking hurricane. It took probably 7 hours to pass, and I tried a lot of different tools. I was in a really, really dark place. When I couldn’t shake it here, I ended up on what turned into a 4+ hour walk on the river trail, and finally in the last hour there was a break in the clouds and I was able to feel things start to give way.”

After several miles of walking, I’d shifted enough out of misery to feel somewhat reflective. The break in the clouds brought the idea of taking a complete break from reading or listening to any self-help or spiritual materials. I’ll admit, there was a bit of belligerence in my decision: “I’ve read SO many books and learned countless techniques, yet here I am still overwhelmed with challenging emotions. Has it done me any good or has it been a colossal waste of time and energy? To hell with it all!” 

But something core in me really felt like this break was likely to be beneficial, even if I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it would give me time to let some of the stuff I’d learned sink in more fully. Perhaps I needed to metabolize these lessons instead of just consuming more. I imagined myself as Pac-Man, endlessly seeking the next glowing orb, with some hope that eventually one of them is The Orb that ends the search. Meanwhile, the ghosts are always in pursuit; even if Pac-Man does manage to gobble them all, they just go recharge and resume their chase. 

The sense of futility washed over me. Does Pac-Man ever really win?  Was I always going to keep searching for some key that would “unlock” some fixed version of myself, freed from my various challenges? I imagined Pac-Man just stopping, and getting comfortable with the ghosts. Yeah, they’re there, but that doesn’t mean I have to run away from them. I liked this image so much that I engaged ChatGPT to help me make a little character, though I ran into trouble trying to get it to do a Pac-Man since that’s a copyrighted character. I opted for zen smiley face. Close enough.  

Thinking into the particulars, I felt like a month wouldn’t be long enough. Ninety days seemed REALLY long, but it felt like it would truly be a challenge, so that’s what I settled on. After the first few days, the remaining days loomed long. The kids would start school and I’d still have two more months of this. I was in the habit of reading during my morning coffee time, and during the twins tennis lessons, and during Leif’s drum lessons, and listening to audiobooks while walking my dog or while driving alone in the car. I started to see looming hours of emptiness. For the first couple weeks, I played a lot of my go-to pointless phone game, Royal Match. Gratefully, about six weeks in, I got a free trial for Duolingo Plus, and then was able to get on my nephew’s family plan–my Greek lessons have been a lot of fun! 

But one of the most surprising happenings revealed itself a couple of weeks in. No longer having the option to escape into the wisdom and advice of others, I was left to rely more on myself. And I found that all of this space inside of me seemed to naturally turn to playing with the words and ideas and turning them this way and that. And it felt like I could corral the unruly emotions if I gave them something to follow and move towards, and this all started turning into poetry. And the poetry had the surprising result of feeling cathartic. Sure, writing down the poem didn’t “solve” my feelings, but it turned out they didn’t really need to be solved. They simply needed to be attended to, and given space to be. And it seemed they rather liked the attention of a poem. The imagery coming to mind as I write this is a chicken laying an egg. We laugh about the “egg songs” that our chickens sing–I think that song can be likened to the emotions that swirl around and so often feel like they may overwhelm me. But then the poem is like the egg–here is a thing that exists in the real world, validating the existence of the feelings. Nicely packaged up. So often I then feel ready to move on, just like the hens will after laying. They’ll hop out of the nesting box and move on to the next thing. 

Another lovely aspect of this 90 day break was having more time to dive into listening to music. I have discovered several new artists that I really love. It was only a year ago that I realized how a lot of my musical preferences were largely because I wanted to avoid uncomfortable emotions. For my entire life, I have preferred upbeat, happy, energetic music to pretty much anything else.  It was jarring to realize that I didn’t like more somber or melancholic music because I felt like I would get carried away by it and lose myself there. I still vividly remember the experience of waiting in the car at about age 8 while some older siblings ran into a store for something. The song “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” played and I thought it was so hauntingly beautiful, I almost couldn’t stand it. I had similar experiences in college with some of Tracy Chapman’s music, and an album of Celine Dion’s. A few years ago, when “The Greatest Showman” came out, some of the music was so poignant to me that I both longed to listen to it, but also couldn’t bear it.  A couple weeks into my break, I came across some very cacophonous music that in the past would not have appealed to me at all. But now I felt like I could listen to it and feel the appeal. As I’d opened myself up to more of my feelings, there was sometimes a cacophony inside of me. Listening to music that expressed that felt comfortable, like the creator of that music knew this feeling that I was wrestling with. It felt good. (Shortly after this, David and I went with our daughter Mali to her first concert, Alex G, and some of the music was quite cacophonous. I was glad I’d had this shift because I was able to really enjoy it and feel a connection with it that I wouldn’t have been able to feel before.) I went on to explore listening to other types of music that normally weren’t my jam, and I felt a richness in them that I hadn’t before. 

The third main takeaway from this experience is a realization of how often I wanted to escape from my reality into the realm of ideas and the mind. “As a type 4, [my] underlying motivation is to search endlessly for the ideal through [my] imagination, creative expression or connection with another.” What was I missing in my life, which was right in front of me, because it didn’t match the ideals I had in my mind? Working with this idea has brought a lot up for me, some of it pretty painful, and it’s been helpful to see where I was getting in my own way. I feel like I am doing better at noticing and appreciating the beauty in my real life. I was at a weekend retreat and there were painting supplies. I’m not much of a visual artist, but after doing one painting of waves with my favorite (but not very realistic) blues, I decided to make a painting with a more realistic color palette, as an exercise in and reminder to notice and enjoy the beauty of the real world and my real life. 

It’s funny, because at the start of the 90 days there was a part of me that felt like I was cheating because it was a challenge of NOT doing something, so obviously that was easier than DOING something. And it truly was a challenge. But I am really happy that I did this for myself. I didn’t know it when I started, but I can see now that it was a resting period for me. For the past few years since we left Mormonism, I’ve felt such a pull to figure myself out, to heal my trauma, improve my marriage, explore ideas about reality and the soul/psyche, discover what spiritual practices connected with me, all that sort of stuff. So many glowing orbs to gobble. And I’ve loved it. But there was a sense that I’d arrive at a point in the future where I’d be more fulfilled and capable and just BETTER. And I think that habit of future looking makes it hard to really be present and live in the richness of now. This break gave me a chance to practice being present more, to experience what it’s like to be me, in the moment. And the next moment. And it turns out that in 90 days, there’s a lot of moments. 

—Mindy

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• A new-to-me artist that I absolutely fell madly in love with this week is Alice Phoebe Lou. Check out her songs She and Skin Crawl and soo many others! 😍🎶 ✨

• This week David and I celebrated (well, mostly acknowledged because it’s been so busy) our 24th Airplane Anniversary, which is the date we flew to the Amazon together. I heard this lovely song and it made me think of him. ✈️🎶✨

• Our daughter Zion sent me this song a couple weeks ago. Sometimes you just want a song that has a lot of profanity to sing along with. Or maybe that’s just me? 😅🎶✨

• Another one from Zion that I really enjoy. 🎶✨

SOMETHING TO TRY

Could a sabbatical of your own kind serve you?

Creating an absence makes room for new perspectives and experience. Try on how it might feel to take a break from something that feels almost automatic. It might surprise you what you find.

I haven’t lifted over 225 lbs (two plates) for over two years. In that absence I found a rich and beautiful new relationship with fitness and my body.

Is there anything in your life where even a brief absence could prompt a helpful change in perspective or approach?

-David/Gonzo

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.