Happy Sunday!

As I sit to share a bit of Mindy's latest reflections, I'm struck by the depths we've plumbed in our own journey together.

Stephen Covey famously coined his Habit 5 of Highly Effective People:

This week, Mindy explores a poignant truth that resonates deeply with both of us and turns this idea upside down: Before seeking to be understood, seek first to understand yourself.

Mindy's insights draw from our explorations into Non-Violent Communication and the enlightening work of Gay Hendricks, which emphasizes the transformative power of fully embracing our feelings. Through her journey, she's been challenging the all-too-common reflex to avoid, suppress, or deny our emotions, especially the tougher ones. As Mindy candidly opens up about the struggles and breakthroughs in her own process of self-discovery, she offers us a glimpse into the liberating yet challenging world of genuine self-acceptance and understanding.

Join us as Mindy delves into the nuanced dance of embracing her true self, navigating the complexities of emotional awareness, and the sometimes excruciating, yet ultimately rewarding, dance of vulnerability and connection.

—david/gonzo

I’ve reflected on this topic before, but it’s a pretty meaty idea for me. Something David and I have learned from some of the stuff we’ve studied together, particularly Non-Violent Communication and the writings of Gay Hendricks, is how vitally important it is to develop the skill of noticing and identifying what feelings are alive in you (NVC terms). In Conscious Living, Gay Hendricks writes that the first key to conscious living is to “Feel all your feelings deeply, and feel your way through them to the vast soul space in which all feelings are embraced. By facing all your feelings and resonating with them deeply, they lose their grip on you so that you can act from a clear space informed by your feelings but not run by them.” My experience is that most people, including me for the vast majority of my life, will do almost anything to avoid feeling their feelings deeply. Deny, suppress, distract, numb, escape, project, yes, but FEEL them? 😬 Hard pass. Especially the un-fun ones. But we also employ a lot of the same strategies to avoid feeling the good ones, though that’s usually just a side effect of guarding and maintaining vigilance—there’s no space for the good stuff either. 

As I’ve worked to stop shaming myself for the feelings that show up, I’ve been able to inquire into the story behind the feeling and what thoughts tend to accompany it. It turns out it doesn’t really work to feel something, get upset with yourself for feeling it, and vow not to feel it again. What does happen is we use a lot of energy trying to keep everything contained, but inevitably, it will erupt somewhere, either in an outburst of some sort or a negative effect on your physical health. 

It’s a lot easier to not shame or judge myself when I operate from a belief that everyone is learning and that to be human is to be imperfect and make mistakes. When I think of myself as one particular manifestation of the universal consciousness, and of course, I’m not like anybody else because that would be boring and pointless, it doesn’t make sense to compare myself to anyone else or vice versa. Sometimes I take a special delight in this line of thought and think, “Well, how does a Mindy respond to this sort of thing? Isn’t that interesting? It turns out that David responds to the same scenario quite differently. Fascinating! What magical diversity!” But in all honesty, that usually isn’t how it goes down. At least not initially. Generally, there’s still a lot of wishing I responded differently or was less sensitive or emotional. But I am slowly but steadily gaining more understanding about myself. 

The best part about self-understanding is that I have so much more awareness. I’m noticing when something triggers me, and even though that still sucks, I do have more capacity to respond now instead of just reacting. And I have gotten a lot better at not projecting emotions or motivations onto others. When I had a more superficial understanding of myself, it was pretty easy to assume that others were operating from a similar place. I feel like now I’ve been thoroughly disabused of such notions. (And studying the Enneagram has also been invaluable in this area, helping me to see different motivations and strategies as reasonable, given the various ways we all experience life.) 

I know for me it feels really powerful to understand myself more deeply. I know it is what I wanted from David for all these years, but honestly, how could he possibly achieve something I hadn’t? We have to gain self understanding so we can share those insights with those closest to us. There’s just no way they can intuit what we ourselves can see, at least not for the majority of us. 

I wanted to share a poem I wrote this week while feeling my way around this idea more:

—Mindy

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• These quotes from Bell Hooks felt so resonant with my thoughts this week about self-understanding, especially the later slides where she discusses loving ourselves. I really enjoyed her book All About Love.✨

• This compilation of panda 🐼 hijinks made me so happy. ✨

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

Mindy & Sweat Pea

mindy_marvelmom

View more on Instagram

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.