Happy Sunday, Everyone!

This week, we dive deep into the transformative power of self-reflection and the courageous act of embracing our past to heal our present. Mindy shares her personal journey of reconnecting with her younger self, facing the fears and insecurities that have shadowed her for years, and the liberating process of recognizing and transforming them with love.

Join us as we explore how to unpack the layers of self-criticism that bind us and how to lay the foundations for genuine self-esteem and unconditional love—towards others but most challengingly to ourselves. Loving ourselves is a profound act of humanity.

I had an epiphany this evening when diligently trying to compose a sincere apology. An apology is not a contract You have to keep track of; it’s an oath that I must keep. If you can find to apologize to all those parts of you that you’ve struggled to love, do so with an oath of unconditional love of self.

smoochkiss!

—David/Gonzo

Last spring I listened to the book Conscious Living: How to Create a Life of Your Own Design by Gay Hendricks and found it full of useful insights. During an emotionally turbulent evening a couple weeks ago, when I’d gone up the canyon to have some time to reflect and work though things, I felt inspired to pick the book up again. This time I was going to read it, though, and take notes. I’m about 80% through it, and my notes turned into pages and pages of copied & pasted excerpts. It’s a really good book. (Sidenote, David also read it in the last two weeks and will enthusiastically back up these statements of its excellence.)

One of the writing projects I’d like to tackle eventually is my own version of a book report. Summarizing key points and sharing insights gained from reading the book, how it ties in with other books on related ideas that I’ve read, and just where the content fits in my personal philosophy. It would be a good exercise for me and cause me to maybe slow down my consumption a bit and help me do a bit more integration and reflection. (I think I’ve shared before how David jokes that this scene from Short Circuit captures a key aspect of my personality.) But I’m not going to start that today.

In the section of the book titled The Foundation of Self Esteem, Hendricks writes “Self-esteem ultimately is about whether you can love yourself and others unconditionally. If we don’t love ourselves, we will always be chasing it from others. If our feelings toward ourselves are flavored with guilt and criticism, our love toward others will be contaminated by these same flavors. A special kind of love is required, and it must be directed toward ourselves before it can be adequately expressed to others.”

“Loving yourself is not about conceit. Conceit is an attempt to prove to others that you’re lovable when you’ve decided inside that you really aren’t. Loving yourself is also not false humility. True love for ourselves is the ultimate acknowledgment of equality. It says, “I am here and you are here and we are all equals in this universe.” Conceit says, “I am here at your expense,” while false humility says, “You are here at mine.” Genuine love for ourselves celebrates ourselves in seamless union with the whole of everything. As to the how-to, there isn’t one. All we can do is to love ourselves as much as we can from wherever we are.”

He goes on to talk about the fundamental fears that get in the way of loving ourselves, the first of which is thinking we are fundamentally flawed in some way. (I know this isn’t a trait limited to Enneagram Type 4s, but we often have it elevated to an art form 😬.) Later on there is an exercise to name what it is that you are afraid makes you unlovable. It was really interesting to sit with that question and feel into it. I think often what we notice is just the fear, so we then back away or distract ourselves, because FEAR SUCKS. I know that has been the case for me. After sitting quietly and trying to feel into the fear, gently and compassionately, I had words start to form. I was afraid I was unlovable because I was weird, unattractive, and not “good.” (I tried to feel into ssomething more specific than “not good”, but it felt to be a very broad and often moving target, with room in that unlovability evidence collection bucket for any area I ever made a mistake in, so pretty much life generally, but definitely all the standard Mormon stuff.) I immediately had a flash in my mind of my 7th grade self. Adult me simultaneously wanted to chuckle and cry. Chuckle because being a mid-40s woman feeling afraid of being “weird, unattractive, and not good” just seemed silly, once the words were put to it. And cry because I felt SOOOO much resonance with those words, way down deep into the core of me from 30+ years ago.

I’ve said on multiple occasions that 7th grade is absolutely The Worst, and have had that sentiment validated by a lot of people. Your body is changing, you’re awkwardly not a kid anymore but not a real teenager, and nobody is self-aware enough to navigate any of it skillfully, so peers cause a lot of drama and heartache. In college while on a study abroad I had to take a creative writing class and it was such a struggle for me. I remember thinking that I had no desire to be a writer, with one caveat. The only thing I really wanted to write was some sort of guide for teenagers that reassured them that things really did get better, and not to feel too discouraged when absolutely everything feels like the worst and they hate nearly every aspect of their lives. And the only reason I wanted to write this was the hope that it would help somebody who was struggling like I had during those years.

So Thursday this week I spent a bit of time reflecting on this insight, and Friday morning during my morning “coffee on the patio time” I revisited it. I tried the “time travel maneuver” that David and I learned from Michael King, sending Present Me back visit Past Me. Past Me was relieved that she didn’t have to fill Present Me in on the details, because there was so much shame surrounding all of it. The challenge of having been ditched by her best friend for another of her friends, but then still having to navigate a LOT of interactions with the former friend (church, choir, bell choir). There were a lot of traits about this friend that Past Me felt magnified her own insecurities, and the fact that they still occupied so many overlapping spheres made it really challenging. They weren’t really friends, but maintained a false friendliness, and underneath that there was a lot of competition. Present Me saw clearly how my younger self had compared herself in so many ways to this other girl, and in so many ways came up lacking. I was able to have a conversation with Past Me and help her feel loved and seen and appreciated. I let her know that I know what a hard time it was, and how hard it was to have no one in her life she could share this stuff with. How feeling alone with these feelings made her feel flawed and full of shame. And how much it would have meant to have anyone around her who really saw her and loved her and thought she was great. I thought of my own two daughters, reflecting on the challenges of that age for my older daughter, and how my younger daughter is just getting into that stage. My heart filled up with love and tenderness for both of them, and it spilled over for my younger self, too. I saw how, as their mother, it was so easy to feel so much gentleness, compassion, and understanding for my daughters, to see them as lovable and wonderful in spite of whatever awkwardness and challenges shows up during adolescence. And to see the behavior of that former friend of mine with more wisdom and perspective. (Though I do have to say that several months ago I unfriended and unfollowed her on social media, as a way to support the healing of my younger self, and I haven’t regretted that for a moment.) I cried a bit, and I felt a lot of old sadness and long-carried shame leave my body.

It’s fascinating to think of all the stuff we have stored, all the emotional burdens we carry for years, and the power they have in the present. We are so good at avoiding all of the land mines in our own psyche, we navigate around them as effortlessly as we do our house in the dark. But we don’t realize that there is energy tied up in keeping these old things from our awareness. When we have the courage to face them, to engage with them with love, we find that this energy is freed up and now can go towards creating the life we really want.

Hendricks gives a few “Moves to Handle Fear,” in the book, but the Ultimate Move is love:

“You may need to love your fear a thousand and one times before the cure becomes permanent. The reason is that you may awaken the fear each time you expand to a new version of your self.”

“Our fears are often so big that love is the only thing that can contain them. Love is the ultimate healer because it can contain its opposite: you can love yourself for hating yourself. Sometimes our fear, and our self-hate, is so great that all we can do is love it.”

——-

I wrote the above Friday, then that night had a challenging experience as part of a night out with friends. I was able to kind of recover enough to participate and engage a bit, but Saturday morning came and there were still a lot of lingering, unsorted, and challenging feelings. (I suspect that the <4 hours of sleep was not in my favor on this.) Trying to work through things, I journaled and then shared with David what a hard time I have recovering from setbacks or missteps. I don’t feel very quickly resilient. Often it feels like the experience ends up tainted and I kind of throw it all in the metaphorical garbage pile with a, “Well, that sucked.” He shared his observation that there were so many lovely moments last night, and invited me to share some reflections on some of those, even giving me a prompt to get started. I found that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically incapable of accessing even a single one of the enjoyable moments from the night before. It was as if there was some sort of actual blockage between me and the happiness of those events, if they were icons on a screen they’d be grayed out and unclickable.

With that suggestion a bust, he encouraged me to share what was coming up, if I was able to access that. He also shared that he sees me show up for others in their distress and challenging feelings/experiences over and over again, with so much gentleness and non-judgment, but that he didn’t see me show up for myself that way, and also felt that I often struggle to show up for him that way. That brought to mind something my mom would say when I was growing up, “If you know better, you do better,” (which I’ll refer to as IYKBYDB to save space). And I shared how I feel like I have a lot of knowledge and understanding (from all that INPUT!), so there’s not really an excuse to make most of the mistakes I do. With other people, I assume they are doing the best they can, and maybe don’t know what would work better. David asked if I could recognize whose voice I was hearing inside. Who was telling me all this? It didn’t seem like me, or at least not the caring, judgment-free, understanding me that shows up for so many others. With that question, I stopped and got quiet. Who was this voice?

After a few minutes of reflection, I said, “Oh. Well, I guess it’s my Inner Critic. But it’s so loud. And big. It’s overwhelming.” (After this conversation ended I did some journaling and wrote the following about the experience of having my Inner Critic take over: I feel like she’s massive and loud and shoving the face of a young me, age 12 or so, into something to look at my mistakes. Like people who rub their dogs noses in their accidents. So much LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU LITTLE SHIT energy. And little me just gets so small and frozen, waiting for IC to leave. But she doesn’t leave. She just stays there. Screaming LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT IT, LOOK! And that little me doesn’t know how to look any harder or more intensely or see more or feel worse than she already does. So she just climbs into the pit of feeling horrible, if she stays there then maybe IC will see how bad she feels for messing up and will back off.)

David said, “Yeah, that makes sense. What does she want? Like not what does she want you to see, but what does she need? What is she trying to get by showing up this way? Safety?”

I sat and felt into this part of me. “Yeah,” I replied. “Safety and love.” I could feel the Inner Critic stepping aside a bit. I started to see the incredible terror that motivates her to show up so loudly and aggressively. She’s not really an awful monster trying to make the little 12 year old me miserable. Turns out she is really scared and trying with all she’s got to avoid the outsized consequences that unpredictably showed up for small mistakes in my childhood.

Before identifying this as a part of me, as my Inner Critic, it felt Real and True and just Me. In Internal Family Systems, they call this being blended with the part. The metaphor of a chair or driver’s seat is often used, and the vehicle of you is not being driven by your Self, which has all your wisdom and understanding, but by some younger, less developed part. The problem is that when we are blended, we don’t have access to the wisdom that would help us see that we’re blended. (So annoying, right?) It can be so helpful to have a partner or therapist who can help you pause and reflect and try to identify what parts may have taken over. After identifying the part and feeling into her motivations, it really did feel like that critical, loud energy that I couldn’t escape from before got quieter, took some steps back, and I was able to start feeling more of my Self again.

Later David helped me look at one of the core beliefs of my Inner Critic (IYKBYDB) and evaluate it against my current beliefs and values. I was able to see the implied certainty in that belief, and an acceptance of One Right Way. Neither of those align with my current values and beliefs. I value curiosity over certainty and don’t believe there is only one right way to do life. Another belief I hold that I see as a counter to IYKBYDB is one I got from my therapist, What We Practice Grows Stronger. Just like knowing the notes in a song doesn’t mean you can play the song flawlessly, we can know how we want to show up and still fall short at times, but repeated practice builds the necessary muscles and skills over time.

I was going to apologize for the detour in sharing this IFS/parts work stuff that came up, as I didn’t feel like it connected all that well to part one of this week’s writing, and I wondered about including it at all. But upon further reflection, it seemed obvious that my Inner Critic is specifically and intimately related to my fears around being unlovable (gold star to any of you who saw that quicker than I did). The Inner Critic is borne out of fear. And I may need to love her a thousand and one times before she’s able to give up her post as a protector in my internal system. It feels both empowering and daunting to see part of me more clearly. I am trusting that I can continue to grow in my capacity to love myself, including all the scared parts. And I’m feeling especially grateful for the support of a partner who is committed both to his own growth and to supporting me in mine. Thanks, David, for holding me while I cried, and for helping me see things that were hidden from my view.

—mindy

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• All My Days by Alexi Murdoch is such a beautiful song. 🎶 ⚡️

• Mumbo Sugar by Arc De Soleil will have you grooving. 🎶 ✨

• I maybe needed this reminder more than usual this week. It’s Gonna Be Fine by Jon and Roy. 🎶 ✨

• Helpful Physiological Tools To Manage Anxiety ✨

SOMETHING TO TRY

Let’s have AI help us develop a practice. I love working with an ai interlocutor to help me try new ways of looking at things and voicing different perspectives. I asked it to read this week’s post by Mindy and develop a practice that could support us in bring the ideas into our lives. 

—gonzo

The Emotional Time Travel Exercise

Inspired by Mindy’s profound experience with the “time travel maneuver” and her insights from Gay Hendricks’ Conscious Living, this exercise invites you to connect with and heal parts of your past self that may still influence your present emotions and behaviors.

Step 1: Reflect on a Challenging Time

Think back to a period in your life that was particularly challenging or when you felt misunderstood or alone. This might be a specific age, like during your teenage years, or around a significant event.

Step 2: Create a Comfortable Space

Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won’t be disturbed. You might want to have a journal nearby to record your thoughts and feelings after the exercise.

Step 3: Engage in Deep Breathing

Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Begin with deep, slow breaths to center your mind and calm your body.

Step 4: Visualize Your Past Self

Imagine your past self during the challenging time you identified. Try to see details—where you are, what you’re wearing, and how you’re feeling.

Step 5: Open a Dialogue

As your present self, start a conversation with your past self*. Acknowledge the struggles and emotions your past self is experiencing. Offer words of comfort, understanding, and encouragement. Reassure your past self that the feelings of inadequacy or fear were natural but they will not define the future.

*I recommend taking in the scene first and approaching your younger self—it’s a brilliant hack for finding access to the observer that I learned working with my energy worker. 

Step 6: Offer Reassurance and Love

Tell your past self about the strengths you’ve developed and how you’ve overcome or are working to overcome these challenges. Emphasize that they are loved, valued, and that their experiences are important for the growth that follows.

Step 7: Feel the Emotions

Allow yourself to feel any emotions that arise during this dialogue. It’s normal to feel emotional pain when revisiting past hurts, but also allow yourself to feel the compassion and love you’re offering.

Step 8: Return to the Present

When you feel the conversation is complete, gently bring yourself back to the present. Take a few deep breaths, and when you’re ready, open your eyes.

Step 9: Reflect and Journal

Spend some time journaling about the experience. What did you tell your past self? How did it feel to offer compassion to your younger self? Do you feel a shift in how you perceive that time in your life?

Step 10: Integration

Consider ways you can incorporate this compassion and understanding into how you treat yourself in the present. How can this exercise influence your current self-perception and relationships?

Why Try It?

This exercise can be a powerful tool for emotional healing and self-compassion. By connecting with and comforting our past selves, we can often release emotional burdens and find peace in present circumstances, enriching our journey towards self-love and acceptance.

Embrace this opportunity to heal and understand parts of yourself that need attention, and discover the transformative power of self-love and acceptance in your journey of conscious living.

PARTING

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.