Happy Sunday, everyone!

This week, Mindy takes us on a deep dive into the not-always-fun aspects of personal growth. She usually shows up beautifully, bringing joy and silliness everywhere she goes; she’s also no stranger to facing her shadows. It’s one of her most admirable qualities, right up there with her capacity for fun.

In her reflections, inspired by the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic, Mindy explores the transformative power of facing our own shortcomings head-on. It’s about getting real with ourselves, breaking free from the cycles that bind us, and stepping courageously into a greater awareness of who we are and how we interact with the world around us.

As a partner on this journey with her, I’ve seen firsthand the courage it takes to confront the less glamorous parts of personal growth. It’s not easy to delve into childhood trauma or admit to mistakes that have shaped our relationships, but Mindy does so with a grace and openness that inspires everyone around her.

And, of course, we haven't forgotten to sprinkle a little fun into the mix! In this week’s NEAT section, curated by Mindy, you’ll find everything from the philosophical ponderings of Alan Watts to the perfect morning vibe song.

Happy reading!

— David

I love fun. I think it is one of my most adorable and best qualities. A college boyfriend told me while we were dating that he was worried he was not fun enough for me. I replied, “That’s OK. I’m fun enough for both of us.” As a youngest child, perhaps it comes with the territory, or perhaps it’s just some soul essence of who I am. 

The reality of growth is that it is not always fun. In her book Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert wrote “I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”

Looking back over my life, especially reflecting over the last five years, I can see how getting tired of my own bullshit is not a one time thing. The first step is to become aware of my own bullshit, and that happens (at least for me), a bit at a time.

Cory Muscara writes about growth and healing, and recently shared this:

Looking at your childhood trauma is anything but fun. But you know what else isn’t fun? Getting triggered in the midst of just going about your life and having the emotional fallout roil things for days, hours, or weeks. Looking at your own flaws and honestly owning your mistakes is also not fun, but feeling like you are living in fear of “being found out” or facing the truth is even worse. 

Recently, David wrote about courage and encouragement. It takes courage to look at yourself and choose to cultivate awareness and wake up to the reality of why you do what you do. A couple of years ago, I was at a critical point in my relationship with one of my children and also my own journey of healing and growth. As a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom I had poured all of the best parts of me into raising and educating my children. But as a flawed human, I had also poured some of the worst parts of me into them. I had given it everything I had.  All my eggs in this one basket, so to speak. Because of this, I was terrified to see truthfully what mistakes I had made along the way. Making even tiny mistakes in my childhood home resulted in loud yelling or much worse, and so I developed an inner critic who demanded perfection. Especially when it came to something important. Working with my therapist, I was able to come to see that, especially in something so complicated and involved as parenting, there truly was no such thing as perfect. I had made mistakes, some of them pretty significant and damaging. I needed both to hold myself accountable for those mistakes and also to have the compassion and grace to admit that I had truly done the best I could with the tools I had. And that if I’d known better, I would have done better. This admission may sound obvious, but the reality of it in my heart and in my life, and also in my children’s lives was profound. They were free to share with me the areas in which I had failed them. Which was necessary for their own healing and growth. 

We attended family therapy for a few months together, and most of the sessions turned into the therapist holding space for us while my oldest two kids shared the pain they carried from my mistakes. It was really challenging to hear, but it was a turning point for all of us. 

A number of times since, I have had conversations with new moms and I have shared with them that despite their very best intentions and efforts, they were going to make mistakes in parenting. You try your very best, but you don’t let the anxiety of messing up grow so large that you can’t be present with them. Know that you’ll make mistakes. Count on it. But show up and do your best. And when you do make the inevitable mistakes, own it. Evidence shows that repair after rupture goes a long way to strengthening the bonds. 

A few years ago, David and I participated in an Arbinger Foundation discussion facilitated by a good friend. One of the statements of the workshop was along the lines of accepting that I bring pain to all of my relationships. I have to admit that I don’t have a specific recollection of this, but David has referenced it a number of times over the years, so I feel confident that whatever I said was something to the effect of “Not me.” Looking back, I can see that it was my same protective perfectionism that made me feel like I couldn’t possibly bring pain to those I loved because if I did, what kind of a person was I? I couldn’t bring pain and still be good. Could I? 

For most of our marriage, when problems would arise, David would attempt to talk through them, and I would withdraw, overwhelmed by my emotions. He would get frustrated, and I would withdraw even more. The main motivation for me getting started with a therapist was that we’d gotten to a point where we couldn’t talk about anything even remotely challenging. I would become completely overwhelmed and would shut down. With the help of the therapist, I was able to see how, in my childhood, I learned to stay out of trouble by being as close to perfect as possible. I also never had anyone in my family to confide in, so I had no experience working through challenging feelings in the presence of another. Growing up, I just ruminated on my own or would write in a journal. But for most of my marriage, I hid from the reality that I lacked important communication skills and told myself that the biggest problem we had was that David was just mean. I saw myself as the victim of his frustration. It wasn’t until later, after I’d been willing to be honest with myself,  that I could see how my withdrawing and disengagement were also “mean.” And more importantly, these losing strategies stood in the way of what I wanted more: a loving and supportive relationship.

I have gotten so much better at communicating my thoughts & feelings around challenging issues, but I still have a lot of room for improvement. It still takes a tremendous amount of courage, energy, and awareness for me not to close down.  I have to take breaks to breathe, to calm my nervous system, and to remind myself that I am safe. I have to push back against the protective part of me that wants to paint David as a villain in the situation, and see him instead as the man I love who is willing to be in the thick of things with me, even when things are hard and frustrating. 

I believe this, but it is so hard. There is so much room for misunderstanding, especially when emotions are already high. I believe that it is worth it, in the long run, to create a beautiful relationship. It feels scary and risky every time. I can tell that I am building those muscles, but it still feels so much like work. I wish I had grown up in a home where communication felt safe. Where I felt like I could express myself and be received warmly and encouragingly, no matter what emotions I was dealing with. I think that would have gone a long way in my formative years to help me feel confident in turning to others for support when I was struggling emotionally. But I didn’t grow up in a home like that. Because of his love for me, David has earnestly endeavored to learn to show up more supportive and kind to me when I am stuck, but of course, being human, he doesn’t do that perfectly either. And I have had to learn to show up for myself to support myself emotionally with compassion and kindness. That isn’t easy, especially when I most need to show up that way when I am already feeling emotionally dysregulated. 

As I write all of this, it is plain that I have a lot of awareness and understanding about the way that I respond emotionally and things that are hard for me. If only understanding and awareness automatically translated to skill. 😝 These neuropathways and reactive habits that I developed during my formative years were reinforced by years of unconscious and automatic repetition—loops. I have to have courage and compassion as I continue to endeavor to forge new pathways and create new habits of response. It is okay to make mistakes. That’s part of being human. And it is okay to feel discouraged at the slowness of the progress. The important thing is to keep showing up. To dust oneself off and try again. To celebrate small wins and know that it really is okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are evidence that we’re trying.

–Mindy

NEAT!

Stuff we’re digging this week. (Mindy✨ and David⚡️)

• I am a big fan of Alan Watts. I’ve read a few of his books and listened to dozens of his talks. I quite enjoyed listening to this talk this week. He covers so much varied ground that it’s tricky to summarize, but I love the meandering connections. ✨

• A friend who has really struggled with mental health challenges the past few years shared these 7 Rules for Emotional Health via email this week & I thought it had some good stuff to chew on. ✨

• This song has a juicy subtleness that I find so rich. 🎵

• A Morning Song by Miner is just the right amount of get up & get moving energy I love in the morning (as long as I’ve been up for a little while already 😅). 🎶 ✨

SOMETHING TO TRY

Stop and smell the flowers. Seriously, just try it.

Do you live in an urban desert? Stop in a Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Kroger, whatever, and stop at the flowers and smell you some flowers.

If you can do it without smiling then you’re not smelling hard enough!

PARTING

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That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.