Happy Sunday!

In this continuation of the advice I gave our son on living an enjoyable life, I explore the essential elements that forge strong and fulfilling relationships. Great relationships aren't just about compatibility or shared interests—they hinge on skilled communication and the development of loving awareness.

Understanding love as unconditional, constant, and a positive-sum game can transform our interactions. It's about finding ourselves in the flow of love—easing off the frantic paddling and removing the barriers that disrupt this flow. Seeing love as a continuous presence rather than something we fall in and out of fundamentally changes our approach to relationships.

This post delves into the journey of becoming more effective communicators, a path that opens us to a network of love. This journey not only enhances our capacity to give and receive affection but also empowers us to grow personally. It's not about loving everyone but about being open in a way that allows for a genuine connection when it’s right, a process that can be both challenging and rewarding.

—david/gonzo

Enjoying relationships

This is a continuation of my advice to our son on Living an enjoyable life. 

Tip 2: Great relationships are about skilled communication and developing loving awareness.

I have been greatly helped by learning to see love as:

• Unconditional: this has meant I must learn to notice when I’m in the flow of love or when I’m outside the main current, paddling like mad to try and make progress when really all I need to do is remove the blocks between me and love so I can get back into the current.

• Constant: this has meant that talk of falling in or out of love gives me pause because it is masking something else.

• Positive sum: this has meant that getting into the flow of love leads me to have greater capacity to share and be aware of love. It has been helpful to think of myself as a node on a network and my node can be an open or closed circuit. If I’m open, love will flow to me and from me to every other node on the network. If I’m closed I will be out of the flow of love and feel unloved or unlovable, but I’m the block to feeling love, it’s not that love stops and starts.

• 
  Yeah, sure, but, like we don’t all love everyone. 

Framed this way love is taking on too much meaning. Enmeshed in this statement is a definition of love that likely includes:

• Desire

• Sexual attraction and arousal

• Temperament and worldview

• Shared enjoyment of pastimes or hobbies

• Feeling nurturing or caring towards

The reason most of us think of love as mostly having to do with liking someone is because most of us were raised by people who have poor communication skills. To be an open node in the network of life we need to learn the communication skills (protocols) that open us to more nuanced and precise connection with other nodes. Love is constant. The better we are at communicating the rest of ourselves, the more capable we will be in letting love flow freely through us while moderating the flow of emotions and feelings that are alive inside of us.

The reality of relationships is that the other people in our life are processing and experiencing their lives in distinct ways. So even if we are in the same place, at the same time, and showing the “same” emotions on our face or in our body-language, we are not having the same experience. What I’m feeling, how I’m thinking about it or processing it is unique to me. Communication is about sharing and listening, clearly and without judgment, where and when you are and what’s coming up for you, and where and when someone else is without judgment.

Anchor: Poor communication is violent. Good communication is nonviolent.

Words hurt.

I remember being in a fight with Mindy and she said something and I felt myself recoil like I’d been hit. Getting hit is very disturbing and a lot of excited feeling flows through you, but I did not want to cower or feel weak. At that moment I wanted to feel strong. I remembered an idea I’d heard about called nonviolent communication. Learning about it and employing it in conversation has been the single biggest upgrade to my communication skills.

In a nutshell, nonviolent communication seeks to share what feelings are alive in us, what need(s) those feelings are attached to, and to make real requests of yourself or those around us that we believe would help to address the need.

What is alive in me?

Getting good at feeling and accurately identifying the emotions and feelings that are alive in you is the first key to great communication. There’s an excellent, free cheat-sheet available called The Magic Formula. I keep a copy of this PDF on my phone and reference it, in the moment, anytime I notice that communication is getting violent or when I notice myself wanting to use violent communication to get my point across.

It can be very challenging to notice these things in the moment. Some helpful rules of thumb that trigger me to open my phone are:

• I or the other person I’m talking to is using blaming language

  • You always/never

  • You made me

• I or the other person I’m talking to isn’t taking ownership

  • I can’t

  • I’m not good at

  • I don’t know how to

• I or the other person is redefining not restating

  • So, what you meant to say is

  • So, what you’re saying is

Sometimes, you can’t quite put your finger on it, but you can listen to your body. Learn to voice what’s going on inside of yourself without judgment. This is called sharing micro-truths and it can often help get you to an understanding of the feelings and emotions alive in you.

• When you were talking, I noticed how my stomach churned, and I felt nauseated→I feel scared/uneasy/repulsed

• When I think about making that phone call, my shoulders tense, and my breathing gets shallow→I feel weak/worried/anxious

Eventually, you’ll get really good at noticing what you’re feeling and being with your emotions without spiraling into thoughts that justify them, blame them, or pass judgment on them. Feeling sad is feeling sad. Feeling happy is feeling happy. Feeling your emotions and being able to talk about them is the most important skill of a good communicator.

What do I need?

Once you have your finger on the pulse of your emotions, you can then practice critical thinking skills and identify what needs arise. In the nonviolent communication frame, there are true needs and there are false needs (complex ideas we put on top of real needs). One of the most common false needs is the “need to be understood.”

Most false needs come from seeking validation, which is a very poor form of communication, it is assumptive, presumptive, needy, and patently unsexy.

True needs fit into six major categories:

• Need for physical well-being: think food, shelter, air, water, sleep, sexual expression, touch

• Need for spiritual well-being: think beauty, communion, harmony, inspiration, order, peace

• Need for integrity: think authenticity, honesty, presence

• Need for meaning: think awareness, hope, creativity, challenge, stimulation, understanding

• Need for autonomy: think choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity

• Need for connection: think acceptance, affection, consideration, empathy, love

Make a request

The most important thing about a request is that, no matter how it’s phrased, if you or the other person making it can’t accept ‘no’ then it wasn’t a true request.

With that as the baseline, a request becomes a powerful means of communicating. It is the culmination of noticing what’s alive in you, what need arises, and your best thinking on how the need might be addressed.

Often, when we practice nonviolent communication, we notice how ludicrous and immature our needs are, and we may decide it’s a need that is best left unmet. What is powerful about this is that without going through the process of noticing the feeling, noticing what’s alive, and making a request we would just get stuck in a loop of poor thinking that can’t be addressed or released.

Example of a need that I may not want to nurture: I feel sad because I need to feel considered and included by you all the time. 

Example of a ludicrous request that might satisfy the need: Would you message me about everything you are doing, all the time, and notify whenever you’re about to go somewhere else so I can decide if you should?

This is a bonkers request. ‘No’ isn’t an acceptable answer and complying with the request violates the other’s basic need for autonomy.

There are numerous other communication skills but nonviolent communication is a keystone skill of all great communicators and all great relationships.

Anchor: Great relationships involve intimacy and sharing life together.

Love is unconditional. As such it is both beautiful and it is also an inadequate frame for improving relationships directly. What we want in our relationships is some combination of deeper intimacy or sharing more time together where we feel our needs met (see the list of needs above).

Deeper intimacy is a function of growing different kinds of intimacy. Notice which intimacies you want more of in a relationship and you’ll be on your way to removing the blocks to the flow of love AND you’ll be on your way to enjoying your life more. I’ve identified seven intimacies we all want in our life. When we say: ‘I wish we were closer,’ we will do well to better understand our own mind and clearly identify what type of closeness we want. When we are able to communicate that desire clearly we are also framing a real request. 

Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: Sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, feeling understood and supported by your partner emotionally.

• Intellectual Intimacy: Engaging in stimulating discussions, respecting each other’s intellect, and enjoying learning together.

• Physical Intimacy: Expressing affection through touch, feeling emotionally connected and fulfilled through physical closeness.

• Spiritual Intimacy: Sharing and exploring spiritual or philosophical beliefs, feeling spiritually connected and aligned with your partner.

• Conflict Intimacy: Resolving disagreements respectfully, learning and growing together through constructive conflict resolution.

• Aesthetic Intimacy: Appreciating beauty, art, and nature together, finding joy and inspiration in shared aesthetic experiences.

• Creative Intimacy: Collaborating on creative projects, expressing yourself freely and creatively with your partner.

A lack or perceived gap in what two people want in intimacy can either be addressed and result in greater intimacy, or it will identify where one person wants more than the other. A mature approach to dealing with this is to see if the other person wants to provide that or if they even have the capacity to. If they do not want to or do not have capacity, then maybe that person can seek out relationships that will address their desire for greater intimacy of the type desired. Navigating these agreements in a relationship requires excellent communication and self-awareness. 

The best way to increase intimacy in your life is to deepen the relationships you enjoy most and make new friends. Forcing a partner to be one’s all/everything/entire universe is not enjoyable for anyone involved.

Life-Sharing

Finally, we get to time.

How we spend our time, who we spend our time with, and how we spend that time are all part of living an enjoyable life. Time is finite, but as anyone can attest, the experience of time varies significantly. Doing a four-hour shift at a boring job can feel grueling and exhausting. While four hours at a party with people you enjoy can fly by. I have identified seven types of life-sharing that are part of an enjoyable life:

1. Daily Life-Sharing: Sharing the details of your everyday experiences, from mundane activities to daily challenges, fostering a sense of closeness and involvement in each other’s lives.

2. Career & Work: Supporting each other’s professional endeavors, sharing career aspirations and challenges, and providing mutual encouragement and understanding in work-related matters.

3. Financial Coordination: Collaborating on financial decisions, maintaining transparency and cooperation in managing finances, and working together towards shared financial goals.

4. Health & Lifestyle: Discussing health-related decisions and lifestyle choices, supporting each other’s well-being and personal growth, and sharing in the journey towards a healthy and fulfilling life.

5. Recreation & Leisure Activities: Engaging in shared hobbies and leisure pursuits, finding joy and relaxation in shared experiences, and nurturing a sense of fun and adventure together.

6. Family & Relationship Dynamics: Sharing insights and experiences about family and close relationships, involving each other in family matters, and supporting each other in navigating interpersonal dynamics.

7. Future Plans & Dreams: Planning and envisioning the future together, aligning goals and aspirations, and supporting each other’s dreams and ambitions for the long term.

Just like intimacy, identifying the desire for more life-sharing in key ways can align a relationship or reveal an opportunity to enrich one’s life with relationships that will meet one’s desires.

Go live an enjoyable life. Do it with skill, and you will be able to sustain yourself when challenged.

—david/gonzo

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• I recently read two books with the same title: The Art of Living by Epictetus and Thích Nhất Hạnh. I learned from both but preferred the first. ⚡️

• I really enjoy listening to kirtan (a style of call and response chant) and discovered this one this week. Check it out and see if you dig it! 🎵✨

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.