Happy Sunday!

This week, I’m diving into a topic, connection, that’s been rolling around in my head for several months. We all want connections. We all struggle to feel connected and to be open to connection. And we all have felt the pull to want more than connection, something exhilarating. So, this week, I’m taking this on, sharing what I’ve come to see and feel about connection and if/what else is there.

In a follow-up, I’ll share the first-principles thinking that has gotten me to this place. I hope what I share will resonate with some of you and maybe spur a deeper self-look at what you do and how you’ve approached finding connection.

—david/gonzo

Ravishment & Connection: Play, Vulnerability, and the Convergence of Human Desire

I’ve paraphrased the final stanza of this poem and written it on my bathroom mirror. It's a daily reminder of the texture of existence I aim to enjoy. Whitman’s words echo back to me as I get ready each morning, reminding me of the dance of my life—the dance between connection and freedom, between individuality and the collective.

Have you ever noticed yourself standing on the edge of a moment, your mind racing, heart fluttering, body caught somewhere between fear and desire? You’re in the presence of someone, maybe a friend, a stranger, a lover, and something unnameable pulls at you and teases the air between you. The attraction, the desire—it’s there, undeniable, but you hesitate. A silent, invisible question hangs: do you step forward or retreat? We’ve all been there. It’s a crossroads where connection meets conquest, and more often than not, we take the easy route of conquest or the even easier route of fleeing, missing out on something greater.

I’ve thought about this moment—where human attraction, interaction, and vulnerability meet, and how often I have shied away from it, feeling incapable of navigating it. Society seems obsessed with binaries: win or lose, yes or no, attraction or avoidance, chase or retreat. In these moments, when we sense something stirring between ourselves and another person, we’re told to either quash it if it’s inappropriate or follow through to its “natural” conclusion, reducing attraction to conquest and setting us up to think that all attraction holds some danger as it’s “a slippery slope.” But what if attraction—this natural, human, magnetic pull—isn’t meant to be a road to conquest at all? What if, instead, we approach it as a doorway to connection to something far more fulfilling and transformative than mere pursuit?

I’ve been on both sides of that binary—lost in the chase, the conquest, and then feeling hollow when the prize didn’t bring what I thought it would. On the flip side, I’ve suppressed that same attraction, pretending it didn’t exist, stuffing it down in the name of appropriate conduct or some misguided sense of moral rectitude. Either way, it felt like I was playing a game designed by someone else. It wasn’t until I stumbled into the concept of Ravishment that things started to click—a word that, for me, describes the moment when connection and conquest converge, creating a space that transcends the limits of both.

At its fullest, I’m talking about the peak experience I will refer to as Ravishment, both as a sexual or romantic experience and as part of the broader human experience—one that includes play, vulnerability, and presence. In this essay, I’m exploring what it takes for people, no matter their relational tendencies, to step into this space of Ravishment—a space where attraction isn’t about winning or losing but about being fully alive and in the moment. And I’ll dig into the quieter, softer moments of connection, the lovely moments that we too often overlook in our quest for intensity.

The Binary Trap: Attraction as Conquest or Avoidance

From an early age, we’re conditioned to see attraction as something to pursue or suppress. If you’re single and feel attracted to someone, society gives you the green light to chase—swipe right, flirt, shoot your shot. The thrill of the chase is intoxicating, right? But the reality of conquest is often hollow. Once the "prize" is won, the excitement fades. The moment of ecstasy, if it happens, is fleeting, and we’re left wondering why the connection didn’t feel deeper.

The narrative is often the opposite if you’re in a committed relationship. Attraction becomes a source of guilt, a threat to the stability of your partnership. Feel a spark with someone outside the relationship? Suppress it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn’t exist. But how often have we missed out on the richness of human connection because we’re afraid to acknowledge that attraction? How many times have we denied ourselves the chance to feel alive, to recognize that attraction doesn’t always need to lead to conquest? That maybe it could lead to something else entirely?

This binary way of thinking—pursue or avoid—puts us in a corner, limiting our experiences of both attraction and connection. And it’s in that limitation that we sacrifice the possibility of Ravishment.

What is Ravishment?

Ravishment, as I see it, is the rapturous moment when connection and conquest converge, where two people are fully alive, fully engaged, and completely present with one another. It’s not just about pursuing or being pursued—it’s a dance, an ebb and flow of vulnerability and desire, where the focus isn’t on winning but on being.

In Ravishment, there’s a polarity—a push and pull between giving and receiving, leading and surrendering. But unlike the binary world of conquest, where one dominates, connection takes the lead here. It’s playful, intense, and joyful, with both people feeling fully seen and fully alive. The lines between connection and conquest blur, and in that blurring, something richer, more vibrant, emerges.

It’s the reality Mindy and I lived in during a beautiful 5-hour love-making session. We traversed the immensity of feeling between us, only to end up delightfully spent afterward, lying in quiet reflection. She turned to me, still catching her breath, and said, "That was the actual fuck." We both dissolved into laughter—fully alive, fully connected, and utterly ravished.

The Role of Play, Balance, and Vulnerability

So how do we get there? How do we move from the binary trap into the space of Ravishment? It starts with play, balance, and vulnerability.

Play is essential because it allows us to test boundaries without fear of failure. In play, we can push and pull, lead and follow, without the pressure to achieve a specific outcome. When we approach attraction through the lens of play, we open ourselves to the possibility of connection without the need for conquest. We can explore the energy between ourselves and another person without trying to control it. We can enjoy the moment for what it is rather than for where it might lead or what it might mean–concerns that are removed from now.

Balance is critical because Ravishment requires both the energy of pursuit (conquest) and the presence of connection. It’s a dynamic space where both forces feed into each other, creating a sense of flow. Too much pursuit without connection and the experience becomes hollow and transactional—too much connection without pursuit, and the energy fizzles. Ravishment happens when we find that sweet spot—when both connection and conquest are in harmony, creating a space where we can be fully present and fully alive.

But none of this is possible without vulnerability. To experience Ravishment, we must be willing to show up as our whole selves, without armor. We have to be willing to risk being seen, to risk being vulnerable. That vulnerability creates the space for connection to deepen, for the dance of polarity to happen. Without vulnerability, we stay in the realm of conquest—focused on winning and controlling the outcome rather than being present.

The Relational Tendencies: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant

I think another helpful lens is to examine how different relational tendencies play into this. Whether secure, anxious, or avoidant in your attachment style, each tendency comes with its own set of challenges and opportunities for Ravishment.

For the secure individual, Ravishment is most accessible. They are comfortable with intimacy, able to balance connection and independence, and more open to play and vulnerability. The challenge for the secure person might be letting go of control and allowing themselves to fully surrender to the intensity of the experience–the “upper limit” problem. Because they’re used to emotional stability, stepping into Ravishment's heightened, unpredictable space might feel unsettling. But if they can embrace the play and polarity, they will find a deeper, more fulfilling experience.

For the anxious individual, the road to Ravishment is more fraught. They crave connection but fear abandonment, which makes the vulnerability required for Ravishment terrifying. The anxious person might cling too tightly to connection, afraid to let go and trust the dance of polarity. For them, the key to Ravishment is learning to trust—both themselves and their partner. They need to cultivate a sense of internal security, allowing themselves to be fully present without seeking constant reassurance. Only then can they step into the dynamic, playful space of Ravishment.

The challenge for the avoidant individual is the opposite. They are comfortable with independence but struggle with intimacy, often retreating when connection becomes too intense. For the avoidant person, Ravishment might feel overwhelming, too vulnerable, too exposed. To find their way into Ravishment, they must soften their defenses to allow themselves to be seen and pursued. They need to embrace the vulnerability of connection, recognizing that surrendering to the moment doesn’t mean losing themselves but rather gaining a richer experience.

Beyond Ravishment: Lovely Moments of Connection

But let’s be honest—Ravishment isn’t something we can, or should, aim for all the time. It’s a peak experience, a state of heightened connection and rapturous play that requires a lot of energy, presence, and vulnerability. And while it’s fantastic when it happens, it’s not the only way to experience meaningful connection. It also seems like a happening, so while we can be open to and capable of receiving because there’s another person involved and because it’s the product of so many factors, it’s best to appreciate when it happens but try and force it, and you slip back into conquest.

There are quieter, softer moments of connection that are just as fulfilling in their own way. These are the moments when we let ourselves simply be with another person without the need for intensity or conquest. These are the moments of shared presence, of gentle intimacy, of quiet joy. 

These lovely moments of connection are the foundation on which Ravishment is built. They are the daily rituals of presence and vulnerability that create the capacity and heart space for more profound, more ecstatic experiences. And while they may not have the intensity of Ravishment, they are just as important. Because at the end of the day, connection is what we’re all seeking—whether it comes in the form of quiet companionship or passionate, unbridled ecstasy. 

–david/gonzo

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• Tantra Illuminated, I’ve recommended this before. I took about 18 months to sip from this text and digest some of the beauty. Highly recommended. ⚡️

• Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde, Lorde is a powerful communicator; she challenges so many of society's ideas in the most brilliant and clear-minded prose.

SOMETHING TO TRY

I remember my reintroduction to Tantra a couple of years ago. I was at an event, and the two facilitators of a session on tantra had us peal a clementine slowly and purposefully—taking time to sink into the present moment so we might notice all the sensuousness that can accompany such a simple action. I have thought about that moment many times when I notice myself slipping out of the present moment when staying present would be so much more rewarding.

Here are some ideas, thanks to AI, to try that could be a path to greater capacity to receive the connection and richness of the present moment.

Practice Steps:

1. Daily Moments of Play:

   • Identify opportunities in your day where you can inject a sense of play. This could be during a conversation, while working on a project, or even during routine activities like cooking or exercising. Approach these moments with the intention to enjoy the process without focusing solely on the outcome.

2. Vulnerability Check-In:

   • Set aside a few minutes each day to check in with yourself about how you're feeling. Acknowledge any fears, anxieties, or barriers to vulnerability you might be experiencing. Writing these down can help you confront and manage them more effectively.

3. Intentional Presence:

   • When interacting with others, try to fully engage with the experience. Listen actively, respond genuinely, and be mindful not to rush the moment. Focus on the quality of your interactions rather than the quantity.

4. Embrace Small Risks:

   • Vulnerability involves taking risks. Start small by sharing something personal or expressing a genuine compliment. Notice how these acts of openness impact your interactions and how they make you feel.

5. Reflect on Your Experiences:

   • At the end of each day, reflect on the moments where you were playful and vulnerable. Consider what went well and what was challenging. Reflecting on these experiences can help you understand how these qualities impact your connections with others.

6. Cultivate Gratitude for Connections:

   • Whether you experience a moment of deep connection or a lighter, playful interaction, take a moment to appreciate it. Gratitude can reinforce the positive aspects of connecting with others and encourage more heartfelt interactions.

By embracing play and vulnerability, you prepare the ground for deeper experiences like Ravishment, enriching your relationships and enhancing your overall well-being. Remember, the goal is not to force profound experiences but to allow them to arise naturally through genuine, heartfelt engagement with the world around you.

—david/gonzo

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.