Hello Friends! First of all, apologies for the delayed newsletter this week. Yesterday was our 23rd anniversary, and we had a lovely time together, but in our enjoyment we dropped the ball on getting this newsletter assembled and out the door.

This week David shares some thoughts and a practice of working with challenging emotions that has come together from three different books he’s been reading lately. These are all fantastic books that sparked my interest when they crossed my path, so I read them and recommended them to him. I feel like any book that resonates deeply with the two of us is going to have pretty broad appeal, so you may want to check them out.

Thanks for joining us!

-Mindy

Today, I want to dive into a concept that's been rattling around in my brain lately: owning our distress. It's a provocative idea, one that challenges us to take responsibility for our emotional landscape in a way that might feel uncomfortable at first, but ultimately leads to a kind of freedom that's hard to imagine until you experience it.

I've been exploring this idea through some pretty diverse sources. There's The Ethical Slut, a book that's not just about sex (though there's plenty of that), but about radical honesty and emotional responsibility. It’s also the book that introduced me to the phrase: Own your distress. Then there's Letting Go by David Hawkins, which offers a spiritually-oriented approach to emotional release through a spirituality that is constrained 100% to self-knowledge. And of course, there's this summer’s bookclub selection, Be Here Now by Ram Dass, whose teachings have been a guiding light for Mindy for years.

Now, I know you might be thinking. "David, that's quite a mix of sources. How do they all fit together?" Well, stick with me, and I promise it'll all make sense.

Let's start with The Ethical Slut. Despite its provocative title, this book offers some profound insights into emotional responsibility. The core idea is this: our emotions are our own. Nobody "makes" us feel anything. This was a tough pill for me to swallow at first. 

This really hit home recently. Mindy and I are navigating a conflict. One that started with my behavior triggering some very old stuff in Mindy. How she handled herself ended up triggering some even older stuff in me. I was laying in bed trying to pull myself together to fall asleep and I suddenly realized I was muttering, “It’s ok. It’s ok.” This is something I would mutter to myself when I was very young. It’s how I would try and settle myself when I was navigating the regular dysregulation of my mother and father.

I got up and went to the bathroom to get myself sorted. As I sat there in the dark just feeling my emotions well up and witnessing the thoughts that arose, I found myself feeling hopeless and powerless, thinking: I just want to go. I want to leave. This was obviously not 46 year-old David thinking. I have the power and will to move as I please. When I became aware of this feeling plus the muttering, I knew I was feeling a kind of scared from when I was very young. I felt it come on me in waves and then it started to dissipate, replaced by anger.

Was this the present? 

“Fuck ‘em!”, my mind screamed. Nope, this was definitely my adolescent reaction to dysregulation. I could leave and never come back. 

This ties into another key point from The Ethical Slut: the importance of emotional processing. It's not enough to just acknowledge our emotions, we need to work through them. For me, this often involves journaling or talking things out with a trusted friend. Sometimes, it's as simple as taking a walk and letting my thoughts untangle themselves.

Now, let's shift gears to Letting Go. While The Ethical Slut emphasizes taking responsibility for our emotions, Letting Go focuses on accepting and surrendering to them. At first glance, these might seem like contradictory ideas. But in practice, I've found they complement each other beautifully.

Hawkins teaches that we should accept our emotions without judgment. This doesn't mean wallowing in them, but rather allowing ourselves to fully experience them without resistance. It's like the difference between standing in a river fighting against the current, and floating on your back, letting the water carry you.

One technique I've found particularly helpful is what Hawkins calls "letting go." When I'm feeling a strong emotion, instead of trying to push it away or analyze it, I simply sit with it. I acknowledge its presence and I close my eyes and go through a mental exercise of walking into the room to see myself. This simple exercise creates a little space between me and the emotion.

This practice of acceptance and surrender aligns beautifully with the idea of personal responsibility from The Ethical Slut. By accepting our emotions without judgment, we're taking responsibility for them in the deepest sense. We're saying, "This is my emotion, and I'm willing to experience it fully."

Now, let's bring Ram Dass into the mix. There's a fable he tells that I think beautifully illustrates the concept of owning our distress. It goes like this:

A holy man gives two men each a chicken and instructs them to kill it where no one can see. The first man goes behind a fence and kills the chicken. The second man returns after two days with the chicken still alive. The holy man asks, "Why didn't you kill the chicken?" The man replies, "Everywhere I go, the chicken sees."

At first, this might seem like a weird tangent. What does a chicken have to do with owning our distress? But here's the thing: the chicken represents our inner observer, that part of us that's watching, observing, always seeing. And the student represents our personality and ego. When I think about this chicken my heart breaks for how much of my life I spent fully lost in ego; trying to kill the chicken.  When we truly own our distress, we're acknowledging that we can't hide from ourselves. We're always "seen" by our own consciousness.

I am not smart enough to have come up with this practice on my own. I was fortunate to find a friend who was willing to meet my skepticism and tacit dismissiveness of alternative mental health, what I called “woo woo shit” with the gentlest invitation to “try and see, what can it hurt?” She ultimately recommended that I work with the expert she’d been working with, a lovely and kind man named Michael King, who practices Energy Kinesiology. He uses a technique called muscle testing to access the subconscious. During our first session, he silently asked questions and worked his way through my body. He worked his way back to when I was very young, aged 2-3 and then through my body. When he got to my heart, he silently found two choices: anger and revenge, or fatalism.

“Hmm, David (he always calls me David), feel into anger and revenge, how does that hit you?”

“I mean maybe, but I don’t know that I had the perspective at 3 to want revenge, anger probably, but that doesn’t feel right.”

“Ok, feel into fatalism.”

When he said "fatalism," I broke down. It was like he had unlocked something deep inside me, a core belief I didn't even know I had. This realization was profound, but it was just the beginning. Michael then guided me to access my inner observer, to witness my own experience without becoming consumed by it.

This process of becoming the observer of my own distress was challenging, but incredibly liberating. It allowed me to see my emotions not as who I am, but as experiences I'm having. And from that place of observation, I could choose how to respond and how to show up for myself.

Now, I know this all might sound a bit abstract. So let me offer some practical advice for those of you wanting to explore this path:

1. Practice naming your emotions without blaming others. Instead of "You made me angry," try "I'm feeling angry."

2. Experiment with Hawkins' "letting go" technique. When you're feeling a strong emotion simply feel it. If a thought arises, return your attention to feeling the emotion.

3. Try to cultivate your inner observer. When you're experiencing distress, see if you can step back and watch your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Try closing your eyes and imagine yourself walking into the room your in to find yourself in your current state.

4. Journal about your emotional experience observing yourself. Writing can be a powerful tool for processing and understanding our emotions.

5. Consider working with a therapist or practitioner who can guide you in this process. Sometimes, we need outside help to support us and model “kind and nurturing parent,” especially if we struggle to access that energy when we’re feeling distressed.

As we learn to own our distress, something beautiful happens: we also learn to own our pleasure. When we're no longer running from our difficult emotions, we become more available to experience joy and pleasure fully. It's like the volume of life gets turned up – the lows might feel lower, but the highs are so much higher.

I've experienced this in my relationship with Mindy. As I've learned to own my distress, I've found myself more present and available in our moments of connection. Whether it's sharing a laugh over dinner or enjoying hours of sexual connection, there's a depth and richness that wasn't there before.

Owning our distress is not a destination, but the first step on a journey. It's a path of continuous self-discovery and growth. Some days, you'll feel like you've got it figured out. Other days, you'll wonder if you've made any progress at all. And that's okay. The important thing is to keep showing up, keep practicing, keep observing.

So, I invite you to join me on this journey. Start small. Try sitting with a difficult feeling without trying to change it. Set a timer, try doing it for 3 minutes, returning to the feeling and letting the thoughts go. Remember, every step on this path is a step towards greater freedom and authenticity.

Here's to owning our distress, and in doing so, owning our lives and the pleasure of existence.

—david/gonzo

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• I don’t think I’ve shared this song by Roo Panes before. It is so beautiful and juicy. 🎶✨

• David shared this video of a donkey enjoying his new toy with me and it’s guaranteed to make you smile. ✨

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DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.