Hello everyone,

This week, Mindy shares a profoundly personal narrative that many will find echoes of in their own lives. It's a story about unpacking long-held beliefs and reclaiming one’s body—a journey through self-consciousness to self-acceptance that challenges the norms imposed by society and personal upbringing.

Mindy’s profound exploration begins in the shallow waters of childhood memories—days spent by the pool feeling out of place next to friends, and spans to the deeper currents of adulthood, where she confronts the restrictive norms of modesty ingrained by her religious background. Each memory, each realization, contributes to a perspective on personal growth that I found moving.

As she shares her evolution from self-denial to self-expression, it becomes clear that this is more than just a change in wardrobe; it’s about a significant shift in how she sees herself and how she chooses to present herself to the world. This shift is not just about defiance or rebellion—it’s about discovery and acceptance.

Join us as Mindy opens up about these complex, sometimes heartbreaking, yet ultimately liberating realizations. I’ve written about my journey of bodily transformation, so I know many of us can relate to this journey, whether it’s about our bodies, beliefs, or how we connect with our deepest selves.

Here’s to finding joy in authenticity and peace in loving self-acceptance.

— David/Gonzo

Breaking Free From Modesty

A pervasive cultural message is that the most important aspect of our bodies is their appearance. I internalized this at a young age, and it became a key component of my self-consciousness.

The last year has involved a lot of unpacking and reclaiming. Unpacking ideas about bodies and all that comes along with them (desire, pleasure, sexuality) and, more specifically, my own body. I don’t think my experience is unique or uncommon, but it is the one I have an up close and personal insight into. It’s been fascinating and, at times, heartbreaking to realize the harmful and limiting beliefs that I picked up or was fed by my religious upbringing and the culture at large.

I don’t remember exactly when I started feeling self-conscious about the way my body looked, but it was pretty young. I remember going to the pool with my then-best friend, whose mixed ethnicity gave her a natural tan and her lean build looked good in anything. I felt pale and chubby next to her. I know that my preoccupation with how my body looked in different clothes limited the things I would try. Dance, cheerleading, volleyball, etc., were a few of the activities I absolutely would not consider because of the outfits/uniforms. Swimming was never a favorite activity because I felt so self-conscious. In high school, one of my best friends was a lifeguard with a pool in her backyard (not common in Idaho), so pool parties were a regular occurrence. I tried to balance participating in the pool aspect just enough so it didn’t draw attention but leaned more into whatever else was happening. I was grateful that the early/mid-90s style was oversized tees, making it easy to blend in and hide.

Coupled with this heightened physical self-consciousness was my religion’s rhetoric around modesty. The prevailing narrative was that girls needed to cover up–no low or wide necklines, no uncovered shoulders, not too much leg showing, no midriffs. Eventually, we’d all be wearing “garments” (Mormon underwear that consists of an undershirt and shorts that go down to slightly above the knee), so the best plan was to start wearing “modest” clothes now. In Mormon-speak, modesty ALWAYS refers to how much of your body is covered, and 99.999% of the time is directed at women and girls. One of the reasons girls and women were “encouraged” to dress modestly (in quotations because the amount of shaming that went on made it feel much more like a requirement than a suggestion) is to help the boys/men. The narrative was that boys and men are more sexual and girls and women should help them control their thoughts and urges by dressing modestly. This led to a complicated relationship with clothing. I never felt like I was figuring out what clothing I liked or what felt like me. I was trying to make sure that all the parts that needed to be covered were covered, and then I was hoping that maybe it “looked good,” which I never felt capable of judging.

I can’t remember wearing a tank top or sleeveless top from kindergarten on. I know I had some little sleeveless rompers when I was a toddler/preschooler because I’ve seen them in pictures. After graduating from high school, I attended BYU, which also has a “modest” dress code, being a church owned school. The summer after my freshman year, I worked at Jacob Lake Inn in Arizona, and I bought a couple of tank tops that I wore (usually with my overalls) that summer on my days off. I felt cuter and more “me” in those tank tops than I ever had in any clothes up to that point. But then it was back to BYU and the dress code. In the late 90s, wide scoop-necked tees were in style, and I bought some of those and found that they looked cute on me. They were pushing the line on modesty, but with some careful tucking of garments, you could wear them, though they’d probably slip and peek out. I didn’t have to wear garments yet, but I was mindful that they were on the edge of acceptable.

After going through the LDS temple and “receiving my endowment” (the language used for making the covenants that included wearing garments), I was expected to wear these underwear as much as possible. My parents had slept in theirs, so that was my expectation of what I’d do. Garments are not flattering and not at all sexy. As underwear, they are bulky and bunchy. And hot. And it’s a major faux pas if they peek out at all–some busybody will come up and help themselves to your clothing, tucking things back in and perhaps making a sort of judgmental “tsk tsk” about your clothing choices that make this even a possibility.

Maybe this is a good place to segue into my experience with sexuality.

Mormon teachings are that sex is only approved of by God between a man and a woman who has been married. You’re not supposed to have sexual thoughts or feelings otherwise. Sexual sin (any sex outside of marriage) is the number two sin, right below murder. As a young girl who really really wanted to be “good,” I did my best to shut all sexual thoughts and desires down. I never masturbated. I remember reading some romance novels in high school where there were some (very mild) sex scenes, and I found them exciting and arousing, but I kept a tight hold on those feelings and didn’t encourage them or spend much time with them. I internalized the view that righteous women aren’t sexual beings and that sex is primarily for men.

I won’t go into too many details of how this created many issues, misunderstandings, hurt, and heartache in my marriage. Even though after marriage, sex is given the green light and approved of by God, I was not at all familiar with my own body and its sexual response. I had a deep internalized message that sex wasn’t for women. That enjoying sex made me unrighteous. And I just did not feel at home or connected with my body, which meant that letting go to experience physical pleasure was nearly impossible. There was so much in my head and my thoughts. I also had several hangups about what was “appropriate” sexually. Mormon church leaders released a letter to the membership at one point (in the 1980s, maybe?) saying that oral sex was an abomination and shouldn’t be a part of marriage. There was enough pushback that they pulled back from this stance, but it still lingered in the culture as being inappropriate and dirty. I had no sense of myself as a sexual being; I’d never felt sexy because that was a bad thing to be, and I was now wearing frumpy underwear all of the time. On top of all that, I got pregnant two months after we got married. That was planned, but we had no idea what we were getting into.

I can look back now and see how challenging it was to have never really felt at home in my body and then to have the experience of pregnancy and breastfeeding. I had relatively easy pregnancies and was grateful for the opportunity to breastfeed our babies. But I can see that these experiences made my body feel alien to me a lot of the time and outside of my control. If my sexual response was for my husband, it felt like motherhood required that my body be for my children. So there wasn’t much room left there for me.

Fast forward to the first summer after deciding we were DONE with the church. Over the years, I’d gotten comfortable wearing tank tops to the gym, though I was mindful that it was wrong to wear them longer than necessary. When I was pregnant with the twins, I’d outgrown my garment tops and quit wearing them. While nursing the twins (which I did for three years), the tops were too much of a hassle, so I kept not wearing them. After they weaned, I tried several times to start wearing them again, but they felt so restrictive and uncomfortable that I gave up. I still wore the bottoms, though. And I still wore “modest” tops so no one would be the wiser. But once we were done with the church, I figured nothing could stop me from wearing tank tops. The summer before, I bought a cute spaghetti strap sun dress and wore it on a date once. I think I saw three different people we knew, and I felt all their eyes on me and wondered what they were thinking. But this summer, I picked up a few tank tops and tried wearing them as part of my regular wardrobe. Every time I left the house or walked around the neighborhood, I felt like I had a neon sign pointing to me, flashing “IMMODEST.” I didn’t feel very comfortable, psychologically, in them. But it felt amazing to feel more relaxed physically, so I kept wearing them.

The following summer, I shed the psychological shadow of immodesty and bought many more basic tank tops. We’d started going to EDM shows with friends to dance, and I wanted more “fun” clothes. I went to Deseret Industries, aka DI (a thrift store like Goodwill), with a friend to shop for fun dancing clothes, and I discovered that they have a lot of sleeveless tops. It’s funny that they sell them because the church owns DI. I imagine a lot of Mormon women clean out their wardrobes when they have to start wearing garments and donate the lot to DI. Sad for them, but hooray for me!

Maybe it sounds silly, but this has been a game-changer for me. I go through the racks, grab anything that looks fun or interesting in any way, and try it on. Looking for fun clothes to wear out dancing expanded my idea of what to wear. It didn’t matter if it was a little weird; with the right accessories, hair, and makeup, it could become “a Look,” which worked great for the dance scene. Eventually, this wider acceptance of clothes also trickled into my daily clothing. I realized recently that instead of trying to satisfy some vague idea of “Does this look good?” I’ve moved into a place of “Do I like it?” Considering that the prior question was trying to seek something universal in an endless ocean of possible tastes, this new setup is much simpler. One authority: me!

—Mindy

NEAT!

Stuff we think is neat enough to share! (David⚡️ & Mindy✨)

• 5” Stretch Canvas Short. These are my favorite shorts. I wear them most days in the summer. Sadly, Amazon discontinued most of the colors, but nothing says summer like a man with nice legs in short shorts.⚡️

• If you’re going camping and you’re wondering how you might turn up the enjoyment, just a touch, get youself an inflatable couch!⚡️

• We’re trying this Making UP and Moving Forward guide to support us as we work through a conflict. ⚡️

• This month, we celebrate 23 years of marriage, which is one-half of our lives (we’re both 46 until September, when I become old again. Not sure if I belive in the 23 enigma but I couldn’t help obsessing about it. ⚡️

SOMETHING TO TRY

The Wardrobe Liberation Challenge

This week, inspired by Mindy’s transformative experience with her wardrobe, I’m inviting you to participate in the Wardrobe Liberation Challenge. It’s an opportunity to reassess your relationship with your clothes and, by extension, how you present and perceive yourself in the world. Here’s how to dive in:

Step 1: Reflect on Your Current Wardrobe. Take a moment to really look at the clothes you wear regularly. Do they reflect who you are, or are they more about meeting external expectations? Think about how each piece makes you feel.

Step 2: Identify What Doesn’t Feel Like You. Pull out any items that don’t make you feel confident or comfortable. These might be pieces you bought to fit a certain image, items influenced by societal or cultural expectations, or simply things that don’t bring you joy.

Step 3: Experiment with Style. Go through your wardrobe and mix and match pieces to create outfits that feel more ‘you’ in a setting you enjoy that maybe happens less frequently: a night out, vacationing, or a chance to dress up. Don’t worry about what’s trendy—focus on what feels right. If your wardrobe is lacking, jot down what types of garments would make you feel more authentic.

Step 4: Go Thrifting/Discount Retailers. Take a trip to a thrift store or discount retailer (crazy variety with a very low-risk price tag) with a fresh eye for what truly speaks to you. Try on different styles, especially those you typically wouldn’t consider. You might find that what you once thought was ‘not you’ could be a new favorite.

Step 5: Commit to Wearing What You Love. For the next week, wear only the outfits that make you feel great. Notice any shifts in your mood or how others respond to you. This can be incredibly revealing and empowering.

Step 6: Reflect and Adjust. At the end of the week, reflect on the experience. How did it feel to wear clothes that truly represent you? Are there old pieces you’re ready to let go of? What new styles are you excited to incorporate more regularly?

Why Try It? This challenge isn’t just about fashion—it’s about reclaiming and expressing your identity without apologizing. It’s a step towards embracing your true self and shedding the layers of imposed identity, one outfit at a time.

Ready to redefine your wardrobe and, perhaps, a bit of yourself? And if you feel like it share a photo of you being you. We’d love to see you in your truest style!

—gonzo

PARTING

WORDS

PIC

That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.